MY ART JOURNAL - where input becomes output

 

page 14

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i have started a new journal, and i would like to share it here (and on flickr). it's very personal, but sharing makes it feel more important. it also feels like anyone who looks at it is somehow listening. :)

a big and annoying part of my OCD consists of repetitive negative thoughts. this process is aggravated by environmental input. the only control i have over input is obviously where i put myself. i have gotten into a pattern of sleeping during the morning, as night is more quiet and productive for me.

so how do i deal with what i take in? there is this constant flood of activity in my brain, uninvited and truly uninteresting, and pretty critical. this stream of negativity is exhausting in itself, so i try ways to dam it or change it's direction.  i spend a lot of time "researching" online. i open my facebook page in one tab, which has become a huge source of social networking for me (again, another post). in other tabs i have sometimes 4-6 different things i am looking into and learning about, mostly art related or interest-driven curiosity in weird topics. right now it's paranormal and urban exploration. i open these tabs and get carried-off on tangents by images and stories, blogs and flickr searches...and this gives me the slightest ability to direct my stream of consciousness toward things i actually like to think about. i love this escape.

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page 10 - feelin like a mandala....

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 i also love movies. with extremely few exceptions, we watch netflix. i love having ultimate control over what we watch and when. we have become documentary junkies and have taken-in less popular yet amazing animated and independent films. for me, letting the shows "babysit" me is a form of medication. again, i am attempting to direct my thought patterns, only instead of me typing searches, i am letting myself float on something of interest that i have chosen. 

now i cannot watch TV without drawing or working on something. so i am creating in my journal while hopefully being carried by a wave of interesting input. i am not suggesting TV and internet can change anyone's life, i am sharing my thoughts on why i do what i do. certainly not excuses, as i am completely aware of the need for fresh air and exercise to balance. no need to turn that statement into any soapbox, there is no argument there.

 although internet and TV are not in themselves "art therapy", i use them to fuel my inspiration to create, and to give my mind a break as i draw or think about things i like to think about, things that don't drag me down.

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page 9 - fire and eyes

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i have come a long way in my art journal. i started out being indecisive and lacking confidence, now i can actually say i love my drawings and their process. drawing every day is necessary now -i want to draw from the minute i wake to the minute i lay down. i still have some motivation issues, but not for a lack of inspiration.
what inspires me these days?

• collections of rocks and minerals on flickr
• satellite maps of earth
• patterns of flowers and trees
• reptile, insect/bug and snake skin patterns and colors  

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page 7 - 'shrooms and songs...

 page 6 (left) - decisions suck 

page 8 (above) - mistakes can stay in your journal- in this case, i started drawing something that came out too freudian (inspired by a friend's pet snake) so i blackened it and called it a secret. :P what's obvious here is that i was still uncomfortable letting it be...

  

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pages 2, 3 and 4 -

space-waste, couldn't get motivated yet...i wasn't confident that anything i could draw was good enough to live on a permanent page in a journal.

so i tried to visually talk myself into it, then drew scribbles on a vintage medical page....

these pages and the inside cover took me longer to accomplish than most of my single pages later on!

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inside cover

i began on the inside cover for 2 reasons: i hate to waste anything, and it made my scary, empty journal seem more "mine".

so, there is the evolution of an art journal. every person has a different process, unique needs, varied skills, and preferences as to type of journal style or medium. but what i know to be true is that no matter those differences, every person can benefit from keeping a journal. and the most important part is that you need no specific skill to keep an art journal. it is your place to unwind and not judged.

draw your dream out...

speaking of dreams, i had one the other night that is just one of the strangest ever for me...i'll share so you can get an idea of what my brain does with me.

i was in a large school, and my son was there in kindergarten. there had been wolf sightings around the area, so some very large burly guys with bloody aprons took care of the problem by killing off the wolf pack. they became a slight bloodthirsty, i guess, because in a large room next to my son's kindergarten class, there were high piles of dead animals, stretched long and laid on top of each other like a wall.

i was really angry, obviously, about all the dead animals and also because it was right next to the classroom, and kids could be so traumatized by all of it, so i went into the room to have at whoever was in charge. when i entered the room i saw that there were not only lots of wolves, but also monkeys, bears, baboons, and other wild animals, all killed by gunshot or head smashing. there was even a water buffalo---whose head moved as i spotted him. he lumbered onto his feet and ran out of the room and down the hall. all of the other "dead" animals remained still, but all of their eyes turned to the buffalo and watched him escape...and a baboon on one of the piles collected himself, gunshot in his head, and darted out of the room screeching- i could hear kids screaming all up and down the halls...

so. there it is. a slice of my dreamtime....not every night is that dramatic, but even with less crazy dreams, my head is still on overtime, and i wake exhausted. i have told this dream story 3 times now, and i think it's fading. i was close to drawing it when i thought it might not leave my head, but i'm giving it another day or 2 to wear out on its own. in the past, i have drawn very rough sketches of bad dreams and such, and they seriously disappear. not from my memory, but from the place in my head where they matter. art is good...absolutely necessary for me and so very good ;)

little challenges (pages 26-30)

 page 28

this was a challenge to not repeat

 pages 26 and 29

these were challenges to leave a white background,

then to use no black outlines

 

 pages 27 and 30

a challenge to not fill-in the whole page,

and to mandala the whole page using at least one pattern i'm not fond of 

(in this case the leaf skeletons)

depression. OCD. bipolar-ocity.

it's like this.....

i have everything i need. i have a nice house, an extremely hard-working husband who says he loves me to death, and two amazing, smart and loving children.

i have 2 cats and 2 hamsters that light up my days.

i'm not very healthy but i'm not completely incapable of changing that either.

i consider myself an artist because that is my passion, i want to do nothing else most days, and i think i'm ok at it.

yet i feel uncontrollably sad and hopeless.

i have really neat collections of things i love and tons of old books to absorb, but i don't pay any attention to any of it. no-one else in the world cares. i crave the existence of all of it, NEED to look at it to survive each day, then i think of how much it bothers me that it means nothing to anyone else - because it's what defines me...therefore i am invisible. 

i am so much the same as every other parent out there....homework to help with, a ton of appointments to make and keep, endless cleaning and laundry, piles of things to go through and errands to run, but i resent it all. tiniest responsibilities tie me down and make me want to close my eyes til it's all over.

every day i wake up tired - no, exhausted because all night i have stressful dreams and fight to correct things in them. they are as real to me as day. thoughts never ever stop and just the slightest daily input of a phone call or even the sound of my computer fan can be too much. how badly i wish my OCD was about checking door locks...no, i have thoughts about fights i had years ago, things people say, looks i get....over and over i relive things that took me down as i try to change it all in my head. i know it's self-abusive and i cannot stop it.

"lighten up". "move on". it's disgusting and horrible to be around me so i avoid contact with anyone who might be offended by my ugliness. then i become guilty for being antisocial and worry how my kids will turn out if i become a hermit.

"just go outside, go somewhere!". "make a schedule". very difficult indeed and i don't care. i just don't. i am at my most level when i have no schedule, nothing that has to be done, and nothing to plan or prepare for.

in truth, i would hand it all over in a heartbeat. as much as i adore my kids and know they need me, i feel incapable of giving them what they need...even just time to play. i cringe when i think of them turning out like me, and think that if they were raised by "normal" people (another whole discussion, yes) they might have a chance.

i yearn to live alone. if i never had to see another person i would be happy. i know i would slowly kill myself by overeating and hoarding, but that would be ok. i would be able to do everything i want to- draw all day, eat, collect, watch movies, sit at my virtual world and sleep. i pretend there would be no bills, endless money and someone to do the shopping.

i'm not stupid. i have a degree- in psychology and art therapy! but it doesn't make me at all able to stop the cycles and change any of it.

bipolar cycles are a joy. i can cycle ten times a day or once in several weeks. depends on how much is going on. i'm not as angry as i used to be, so for that i am grateful, very grateful. my bottom is not as deep as it used to be, also great. i don't have the energy for the mania like i did in the past- all good! but levels i have now are still debilitating and can suck the life out of me. 

"you focus to much on yourself". "life is short-just enjoy and appreciate every minute". like i WANT to be like this. i enjoy being so self-absorbed! fact is, i hate most everything about myself so that is not what the reality is.

the reality is that from the moment i wake up (technically....though i struggle all night as well), it takes everything in my power to be "normal"....to not end up in a tailspin....to not end up in bed crying until i can't breathe. or just laying there staring off into my own head. am i depressing you? try living it. people hate how negative and pessimistic i am.... if they could only see what was on the inside of my skull.

i feel better now after writing it all out - again. maybe someone who reads all this can relate. maybe there is a loved one who suffers as well, and more understanding can be had by those who get to watch. if ONE person benefits from reading this, i have done something worthwhile. 

as for me, i'm now exhausted again and need to lie down. i have been trying to get through to any one of 3 new psychiatrists to provide me with prescription maintenance, but not one of them has gotten back to me after almost a week. 

so it goes...

the guilt contingency

 

contingency. another life-sucker. every single thing i do every day is dependent on something else. in order for me to do something, it either HAS to be done or attached to something threatening or looming. that's a joy. i need to organize this before can use those new pastels. i need to clean out the office before i can let myself enjoy a new set of markers. recently it has gotten to be too much effort, and i am not sleeping well at all, so there are areas of my house that resemble an episode of hoarders. i lash guilt upon myself every time i walk past the room, but i'm now ok enough with it to keep walking. for today. i'm immortal, remember? i'll do it tomorrow....

the most excruciating thing about my contingencies is what i call the quarantine issue. when i buy something, especially if it's something i have wanted for a while (could be a candle or a new marker, even just a spanking t-shirt or broken thing from goodwill) it has to make it through quarantine. it sits in a bag for an undetermined amount of time before it's allowed out. if it's used it needs sterilization. stickers need to be removed. all this only after it goes through my guilty conscience for another indiscriminant amount of time in the bag. it's price is a huge factor in deciding how long it waits...so does my will to keep it over returning it buy buy something for my kids or husband. not that i'm that considerate or unselfish, i just have to keep punishing myself for things. ?!

death of a hallucination

zoloft was one of the only antidepressants that ever worked for me for more than a few months. i remember when i first started taking it everything was so pretty and extra colorful~ oral rose-colored glasses....i used to sit on the porch and stare at the woods across the lot. the dizziness from beginning new meds made me have visions of shadows that rose above the treeline....i called it "people over the trees". sometimes they were funny, and other times they made me feel like they were watching me. (changing meds is a joy, huh?)

i made this in my journal as a way to smile at that time in my life. even though i was literally scared of the dining room chairs, i was able to take a small thing like the feeling i'm being watched and remember the times i felt it was funny that these shadows were staring at me...

in one sentence, i can say that my art erased a recurring hallucination i had during a dark time. instead of writing about it, i drew a picture of what i was "seeing and feeling". it never bothered me again.

that is a powerful tool. writing about it would have given it more energy, but drawing it brought it to the surface and made me confront it. i have kept the drawing. where many would have wanted to destroy it, i didn't want to burn it or trash it because it was my validation.  a reminder that i can succeed at calming fractions of my chaos.

childhood (70's) inspiration

i found my love for detail when i was very young, and taught by my dad to draw. one of my fondest memories as a child is coloring in a very detailed poster of a fairy....never finished the second one.

i am reeeally inspired by indian culture, specifically the brightly decorated fabrics, henna design, vintage heavily embroidered pieces, and hippy styles. i would like to do some posts about how immensely nature inspires me. :)

somewhere along the way i read advice on Etsy to "specialize". i always wanted to fancy myself a jack-of-all, and probably have done so to keep myself out of trouble, out of the responsibility of being something particular...because then you have to be really good. i still love to do all the other things - woodburning, sewing, painting and collage, but i am currently focusing on pen and ink design. i like the term "surface design" because it's specific.

brain energy

One of the documentaries i recently watched was about how 25% of our energy is used by our brains.  no WONDER i'm exhausted!  My brain works OT 24/7 and i have figured out (by nurturing my "dream consciousness" over many years) that i actually criticize and analyze my dreams as i am having them. So not only am i obssessing over daily stress and fantasies every hour that i sleep, i am also trying to pick apart elements of the dreams that don't make sense to me or that i want to try to alter. control freak? sure. OCD? absolutely. how much of my energy is being used by my brain? sometimes i feel it could be well over 50%.

it's about time that i have become more aware of my brain's requirements. i'm not naiive about how my brain misfires, which most of the time makes it more challenging to operate. knowing what is going on, but having no clue how to change it or how to make the irrational thinking patterns decrease is maddening!