new favorites!

suede 35

above and below (pages 35 and 36) are 2 of my new favorites. i'm liking using straight lines with imperfect and unbalanced forms, it feels strong...and who doesn't adore pomegranates? truly one of the prettiest and most delicious fruits in existence...

this mandala is my fave because i went askew and used colors asymmetrically. i think it makes the whole thing move just a little, it has an energy. it's off in a few places, but that's because it's human...lol...have i said i love mandalas? ♥

 

suede 36

 

sci-fi ♥

suede 29 and 31

so, i have an obsession with Doctor Who and all things science fiction....especially vintage sci-fi movies with aliens, martians, space, rockets and other worlds....

i was recently turned on to War of the Worlds by H.G.Wells and it's become my favorite book. i no longer have the patience required to read, so my friend and i listened to the audio version together, which was so well read i couldn't draw while i listened. i have been introduced to a whole new world! i plan to listen to a lot more as i draw, it fills my head with new things and challenges me to sort input and output. thank you, steve. ;)

drawing 31, below,  reminds me of Journey to the Center of the Earth. :)

more journal pages

 

journal page 15

another micro-worldy vision...

 page 16

heavy on the blues for most of this post. i didn't like blue most of my life, but i find myself reaching for it all the time now, along with lavenders and aquas....

 

 page 13

 pages 14 and 12

i thought the patterns in 14 were like the curves of glaciers, so i went with an icy slice. ice and snow crystals are so perfect and beautiful....

and 12 was a challenge to not fill in the page. i think i may have even left the leaves white to tease myself....i can be so mean lol.

no relationships for me, thanks.

 

one of my recent relationships gone down under the weight of my OCD (page 37). i have severe trust issues, but still jump in when i find someone interesting. a new friendship is always refreshing: sharing and disclosing...then it hits. my overwhelming need to know it's permanent and that i can keep trusting. the need to know i'm really wanted. vulnerability pulls me into obsessive cycles of dependence and frustration, and the poor person runs. it's completely my fault, as i see it happening and despite attempts to control it and even stop it, it takes over my brain and ruins everything good in my life. i fucking hate it.

pages 38 and 39

page 40

challenge to stay open-ended. LOL.

on to journal # 2

 
These are the first pages of my new journal! 
i'll be referring to it as the tan suede journal because of the faux cover :)   this empty book was begun a lot more easily than the first because i'm rolling on the confidence i collected finishing that one to the last page.

(page 1 & 2 above, 4 & 3 below)

for the first time in a very long time i went to michaels with an exact list: one new journal. and it had a purpose - not just to fill my need to get something at a good price so i could keep it in case i let myself use it in the future...but to be the second volume of my -eh, i'll say it -my subconscious. not one of my pictures has a plan. each comes to life line by line as i draw it in pen, no drafts. funny thing- because i have a severely difficult time making decisions of any kind from day to day  (even choosing which of my old, ratty t-shirts will clothe me). so for me to sit and have no idea what will become of the blank page in front of me is one of the only challenges i can face every day. i may think "mandala", but i have no idea past that.

i did a page similar to this one (page 5) - a cross-section of landscape, in my black spiral journal ( here it is ). it has been more popular than others and i so loved doing it i tried again, so this would be an exception to my "no plan" process. i love the subject matter - nature, trees, dirt, rocks and soil so much i could do this page over and over. i can't say that about any of my other pages before i start them. i can shoot for a general "biological specimen" subject, but that's about it. otherwise i'd have to deal with a commitment - forget that!

page 6

so besides knowing i want - in fact NEED to draw, the process of me sitting in front of a blank page has gotten less scary. i have finally come to the point that i only have the goal to draw, which makes me relax and in a small way block out the crap in my head the only way i can...by drawing detailed and repetitive patterns.

little challenges (pages 26-30)

 page 28

this was a challenge to not repeat

 pages 26 and 29

these were challenges to leave a white background,

then to use no black outlines

 

 pages 27 and 30

a challenge to not fill-in the whole page,

and to mandala the whole page using at least one pattern i'm not fond of 

(in this case the leaf skeletons)

depression. OCD. bipolar-ocity.

it's like this.....

i have everything i need. i have a nice house, an extremely hard-working husband who says he loves me to death, and two amazing, smart and loving children.

i have 2 cats and 2 hamsters that light up my days.

i'm not very healthy but i'm not completely incapable of changing that either.

i consider myself an artist because that is my passion, i want to do nothing else most days, and i think i'm ok at it.

yet i feel uncontrollably sad and hopeless.

i have really neat collections of things i love and tons of old books to absorb, but i don't pay any attention to any of it. no-one else in the world cares. i crave the existence of all of it, NEED to look at it to survive each day, then i think of how much it bothers me that it means nothing to anyone else - because it's what defines me...therefore i am invisible. 

i am so much the same as every other parent out there....homework to help with, a ton of appointments to make and keep, endless cleaning and laundry, piles of things to go through and errands to run, but i resent it all. tiniest responsibilities tie me down and make me want to close my eyes til it's all over.

every day i wake up tired - no, exhausted because all night i have stressful dreams and fight to correct things in them. they are as real to me as day. thoughts never ever stop and just the slightest daily input of a phone call or even the sound of my computer fan can be too much. how badly i wish my OCD was about checking door locks...no, i have thoughts about fights i had years ago, things people say, looks i get....over and over i relive things that took me down as i try to change it all in my head. i know it's self-abusive and i cannot stop it.

"lighten up". "move on". it's disgusting and horrible to be around me so i avoid contact with anyone who might be offended by my ugliness. then i become guilty for being antisocial and worry how my kids will turn out if i become a hermit.

"just go outside, go somewhere!". "make a schedule". very difficult indeed and i don't care. i just don't. i am at my most level when i have no schedule, nothing that has to be done, and nothing to plan or prepare for.

in truth, i would hand it all over in a heartbeat. as much as i adore my kids and know they need me, i feel incapable of giving them what they need...even just time to play. i cringe when i think of them turning out like me, and think that if they were raised by "normal" people (another whole discussion, yes) they might have a chance.

i yearn to live alone. if i never had to see another person i would be happy. i know i would slowly kill myself by overeating and hoarding, but that would be ok. i would be able to do everything i want to- draw all day, eat, collect, watch movies, sit at my virtual world and sleep. i pretend there would be no bills, endless money and someone to do the shopping.

i'm not stupid. i have a degree- in psychology and art therapy! but it doesn't make me at all able to stop the cycles and change any of it.

bipolar cycles are a joy. i can cycle ten times a day or once in several weeks. depends on how much is going on. i'm not as angry as i used to be, so for that i am grateful, very grateful. my bottom is not as deep as it used to be, also great. i don't have the energy for the mania like i did in the past- all good! but levels i have now are still debilitating and can suck the life out of me. 

"you focus to much on yourself". "life is short-just enjoy and appreciate every minute". like i WANT to be like this. i enjoy being so self-absorbed! fact is, i hate most everything about myself so that is not what the reality is.

the reality is that from the moment i wake up (technically....though i struggle all night as well), it takes everything in my power to be "normal"....to not end up in a tailspin....to not end up in bed crying until i can't breathe. or just laying there staring off into my own head. am i depressing you? try living it. people hate how negative and pessimistic i am.... if they could only see what was on the inside of my skull.

i feel better now after writing it all out - again. maybe someone who reads all this can relate. maybe there is a loved one who suffers as well, and more understanding can be had by those who get to watch. if ONE person benefits from reading this, i have done something worthwhile. 

as for me, i'm now exhausted again and need to lie down. i have been trying to get through to any one of 3 new psychiatrists to provide me with prescription maintenance, but not one of them has gotten back to me after almost a week. 

so it goes...

brain energy

One of the documentaries i recently watched was about how 25% of our energy is used by our brains.  no WONDER i'm exhausted!  My brain works OT 24/7 and i have figured out (by nurturing my "dream consciousness" over many years) that i actually criticize and analyze my dreams as i am having them. So not only am i obssessing over daily stress and fantasies every hour that i sleep, i am also trying to pick apart elements of the dreams that don't make sense to me or that i want to try to alter. control freak? sure. OCD? absolutely. how much of my energy is being used by my brain? sometimes i feel it could be well over 50%.

it's about time that i have become more aware of my brain's requirements. i'm not naiive about how my brain misfires, which most of the time makes it more challenging to operate. knowing what is going on, but having no clue how to change it or how to make the irrational thinking patterns decrease is maddening!