3 at 3

november 3rd, 3 am, 2005.
no one can forget the moment their child is born. for me, my kids' birthdays are more difficult than exciting. instead of reveling in their growth, i want to go back to that moment when i first looked in their eyes and hold them close forever. when i was young, i didn't want kids. then i found out i was pretty sick and couldn't have them anyway. then it mattered. but we didn't heed the docs warning to try immediately after my surgery if i wanted any chance.

6 years later, on the first try, our miracle daughter em came along. then, after a 5 1/2 year struggle, through the miscarriage of our daughter (we named her maggie), i held what i hoped was a sister for em. but what we got was a boy. and now i could never ever dream of a life without a boy. he is amazing, and after a difficult painful and diabetic pregnancy he refused to leave my ribcage even with 4.5 days of induced labor - so he came to us c-section.

my em turned 10 13 days ago, and my son is 3 today. but i can still smell those minutes, feel their skin and tiny breath, hear their cries....i've got to remember all of that and still turn around and see how incredible they are, and how much they make me proud to be their mama.

physically too, it was a really long recovery from being pregnant with my son. with more health problems now, my age already catching up, i have been far from the same. it's hard most days to keep up with them both and i have a lot of help from rodney, but he is back in school, and not really with me...we are in separate places in life. and i am here, where i promised i would never come, and after a complete year (on halloween night) i am still not a part of this place. i still miss home with a deep sadness, miss the boys, miss my/our good life and the comfort of knowing my city inside out. it took more than 23 years to make that life, a life i bitched about because there had to be someplace more beautiful to live. i was thinking the mountains or northwest. my husband and i dreamed excessively about getting out of town and heading northwest to oregon or montana, maybe even canadian rockies. so why was that rendered not important? we made a quick decision at a bad time, and spent all of our money making it happen, just to pat ourselves on the back for doing the right thing.

i digress. but it's all i think about....well, almost. the other stuff is confidential...
starting over??!! not in any way, except in a long-lasting end-of the road kind of way. how do you turn back now that new boundaries have been set with family? some family... other family boundaries haven't changed at all. i want my happy life back. i want to breathe again..........