emotional void - depression at its best

emotionally flatlined. that's how my drugs make me feel. for the sake of clarification, i am taking effexor and geodon, with a side of ambien to sleep. all generic. i am now of "normal" affect, and reasonably sane. the racing, repetitive thoughts and bipolar mood swings are subdued. i don't know how to be "normal". i'm not unappreciative, but i really feel hollow and absent.

the most frustrating issue i have right now is that my creativity is also absent. i sit to draw and stare at my journal. it's almost tedious to make lines. this is what i count on and thrive on. it's all but gone. then i have these depression jags that are unbearable. i have had two in the last month. for about 3 days i weep uncontrollably and become suicidal. i can't eat or sleep. unless i take lots of ambien, then i can comatose myself for 18 hours....
reading this back to myself i can't help feeling guilty. obviously, anyone on the "outside" would say "hey, your biggest issue is that now you can function as a parent...as a wife! shut it and go live!"

i have no answer for that.
i imagine it's kind of like being completely paralyzed, and having to learn everything all over, from the beginning. who the hell am i? what am i supposed to do with all that space in my brain? a joyous time, right? a time when i can reinvent myself for the better! a time to celebrate and enjoy just having the chance to feel ok!
most people strive to be happy....and to become happier. i strive to protect myself. i know that all at once it will all shatter and a deeply stabbing depression will overtake me, making me immobile. and yes, i will get through it, hopefully, because i have kids who need me. but at some point, as it has been for 27 years, the meds will quit, and i will be back to my worst self- the one who cannot function and the one who has to start all over. going through a med transition is serious torture. physical illness, mind-wrenching thought processes and exhaustion tear me down for weeks, 2 months this last time....

that said, i know there are people, even in my own family, who doubt the instability of my illness. everyone wants to believe that i take medicine, i'm better, or i get off the meds, i'll be fine...my best friend- who lives across the world- says we americans see happiness as a right, and become bent if we aren't happy on any consistent level. i see that. and i feel like being on prozac or any other anti-depressant has become almost "cool" in some circles. perhaps it's a way to feel less alone, or maybe we just like the excuse. either way, i'm not on that road. i don't even think i have the ability to be happy anymore. in fact, i truly believe i will be just content to not feel hopeless and sad. if you are one of thousands who think that i talk myself into falling over and over again, i hope you never feel this reality. and the most positive attitude in the world cannot fend it off.

what it comes down to is that i take meds to not have severe anger and depression issues, and they do not work consistently. having been on 29 different medications, i know the routine. up to 2 months transition ... feel ok for 9-24 months at best ... crash ... transition....all the while protecting myself from the next hill and it's delicacy. i don't want pity, i just want understanding and perhaps support here and there. i want to share what i experience so others can better understand their loved ones or even help themselves through art. :)

drawing: journal page 11

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