need art....

need to do something more artistic than my daughter's math project to spend a million dollars...it's a great time capsule for her turning 10 - don't even get me started on how much that just depresses me. my boy will be THREE monday....mostly i feel achy that i will never have that time again...
the desire to smell the newborn-ness, to curl up all day with a tiny baby at my breast...without the possibility of ever having that honor again...the insane exhaustion..... those days of oblivion that never repeat and never end and disappear before you can draw a breath.

i digress (sp?). i haven't done too much for myself lately because of her party, halloween, costume issues, projects, dishes, her impending bronchitis, that boy's insane cuteness that makes me stop in my tracks to stare ....hopeless i am. not much in the way of company or here-ness from the student husband of mine...not happy that we don't have jobs - well, i am working a little, couple hundred a month at most. still, i have to go get the dreaded endoscopy i have been putting off for 9 months- my uncle is fighting strong his stomach cancer - well, a possible misnomer as he no longer has a stomach...and rodney's brother near death's door with liver failure...

but that is tooo depressing for me, and stressful. i want to go home really badly. i miss the boys a lot and emma's friends, and our weedy backyard and fresh air....uuuuugh. i bitched so much about getting away from there and now i want it all back. 

haven't heard from somerset , don't really expect to but people keep asking. i so want to submit to somerset memories, but whatever affliction holds me pretty hostage with exhaustion keeps me from being creative. it seems, and i hope i am reading it wrong, that scrapping has been taking a turn back to the simple times with diecuts and fancy scissors...templates....maybe all the great scrappers got so creative and off the edge stylewise that they all submit to somerset memories, and creating keepsakes and memory makers are seeing fewer submissions....those magazines have become barely thicker than the ads from our local gym!

enough...my reason for getting on today was to vent...i'm struggling and little things are getting to me. but there was a shining moment...a glimmer of happiness....a message...that took me by complete surprise and stole my breath...someone unexpected was thinking of me and that just made everything else go away...if even for a brief moment. now i need to get back to reality...and that million dollar project, and my dishes.


i miss

I miss
the boys and my missy kim
emma's friends
AMAZING toledo museum of art (kicks high's butt)
AMAZING toledo zoo (and detroit, columbus, cleveland zoos)
AMAZING park system
turkey hill philadelphia style vanilla bean ice cream
tony packos chunky garlic dills
barry bagel's salt bagel w/roast beef
day-trips to ann arbor
non-smoking city!!!!
rosary cathedral - especially high mass
our backyard and screen porch, sandy soil
my big tub/shower and bath window that opens
level driveway – omg a level driveway
my basement, my utility sink, my well to water, having water!
my huge front window and great entryway
wood floors
dr.ruth, dr.smale, dr.mahmood, kids' peds !!!!!
having the lakes nearby – olander, erie, Michigan
not being able to see the flecks perform again…
bowling green DQ's huge purple dip cones and greasy burgers
Rodney smelling like ford (?)…. uh, job security….a job!
some knowledge of the hospital system in case I need it
ben franklin in bg
recycling dumpsters within 1 mile…a box when I need one
knowing where i am