the guilt contingency

contingency. another life-sucker. every single thing i do every day is dependent on something else. in order for me to do something, it either HAS to be done or attached to something threatening or looming. that's a joy. i need to organize this before can use those new pastels. i need to clean out the office before i can let myself enjoy a new set of markers. recently it has gotten to be too much effort, and i am not sleeping well at all, so there are areas of my house that resemble an episode of hoarders. i lash guilt upon myself every time i walk past the room, but i'm now ok enough with it to keep walking. for today. i'm immortal, remember? i'll do it tomorrow....

the most excruciating thing about my contingencies is what i call the quarantine issue. when i buy something, especially if it's something i have wanted for a while (could be a candle or a new marker, even just a spanking t-shirt or broken thing from goodwill) it has to make it through quarantine. it sits in a bag for an undetermined amount of time before it's allowed out. if it's used it needs sterilization. stickers need to be removed. all this only after it goes through my guilty conscience for another indiscriminant amount of time in the bag. it's price is a huge factor in deciding how long it waits...so does my will to keep it over returning it buy buy something for my kids or husband. not that i'm that considerate or unselfish, i just have to keep punishing myself for things. ?!

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