contingency.
another life-sucker. every single thing i do every day is dependent
on something else. in order for me to do something, it either HAS to
be done or attached to something threatening or looming. that's a
joy. i need to organize this before can use those new pastels.
i need to clean out the office before i can let myself enjoy a new
set of markers. recently it has gotten to be too much effort, and i
am not sleeping well at all, so there are areas of my house that
resemble an episode of hoarders. i lash guilt upon myself every time
i walk past the room, but i'm now ok enough with it to keep walking.
for today. i'm immortal, remember? i'll do it tomorrow....
the
most excruciating thing about my contingencies is what i call the
quarantine issue. when i buy something, especially if it's something
i have wanted for a while (could be a candle or a new marker, even
just a spanking t-shirt or broken thing from goodwill) it has to make it through
quarantine. it sits in a bag for an undetermined amount of time
before it's allowed out. if it's used it needs sterilization.
stickers need to be removed. all this only after it goes through my
guilty conscience for another indiscriminant amount of time in the
bag. it's price is a huge factor in deciding how long it waits...so
does my will to keep it over returning it buy buy something for my
kids or husband. not that i'm that considerate or unselfish, i just have
to keep punishing myself for things. ?!
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