reality

suede 23

mandalas have a sort of rule: 

you start in the middle and go around, adding, and making it grow - that satifies and centers me. it gives me the freedom to make the same details over and over and around, leaving me to just come up with colors and a way to finish it off. it's like following the lines of a street. i stick to the edge, working one layer at a time. it gives me a way to channel my obsessive need to control. i like to make off-center mandalas like this, to allow a peak at the surrounding atmospheres....

suede 22 and 20

paisleys give me very small areas to fill. boundaries are all important in my drawings: outlines and limits. i believe this need is a fight against my brain trying to control me. i turn on it and try to show i'm stronger. :)

suede 18

i have loved sugar skulls since the first time i saw them, and think that drawing them has even made me fear death a little less. (well, that and my newfound freedom from religion, which partially came about as a rebirth of my love and adoration for science). funny thing, though, i thought i would be more grounded in reality...turns out my mind doesn't play well with reality....

 

the end of journal #1

page 52
i might have to count this page as my very favorite. unlike most of the freeform layers i do, i had no issues with what to do each layer. it just flowed. i will be leaving this one B&W.

 
                                     pages 56, 57
my second heart page in this journal. this one, though, was not drawn during a heartbreak, but just purely out of adoration for the mighty muscle that makes us go. the mushroom is my second large fungus. the larger ones are fun to fill in.

page54
my tree is decidedly the most scary page of this journal. i don't do well with eye contact, but eyes are the first thing i'm attracted to in a person. i read them like a book. maybe that's why i don't like them much~ too much information ;)
this will stay B&W as well, as it feels stronger this way.

 pages 58, 60
i decided i wanted to try something figural, thus the birdie. i had done a few on inchies, but never this big. will do more....

page 62

 page 59

           

                                                                                            page 61 and the inside cover

my jellyfish is another favorite of mine, and friends seem to like it too. i especially think this portrays my absolute color scheme, although the blue could be a slight more periwinkle for my taste. ♥

process and focus

this is page 41. the only page i drew horizontally. it really bothers me that i chose this direction, having the binding on the bottom, but it worked out cool. :) layering, as i have previously pointed out, helps organize my thought process. it forces me to go one strip at a time, therefore i focus. it also looks all neat and tidy, making me calm. funny, my method of organization is to make piles all over my house. gives the fake illusion that i have it all together ;)

even the way i complete a drawing takes my concentration away from my encumbering thought racing. first i create the outlines of the entire drawing, then color in basic broad areas, then detail it to death. it's how most artists work, i assume, but i am breaking it down to show how each step is a way to hone your attention and take it away from other less appealing streams of mental discussion.

 

 below, page 42, is incomplete. i just didn't know what to showcase. decision-making is exhausting to me. if i can't come up with a concrete answer immediately, i usually give up. if i do, then i almost always go over and over it, pros and cons, is there something better...ugh. what a waste of life.

on to journal # 2

 
These are the first pages of my new journal! 
i'll be referring to it as the tan suede journal because of the faux cover :)   this empty book was begun a lot more easily than the first because i'm rolling on the confidence i collected finishing that one to the last page.

(page 1 & 2 above, 4 & 3 below)

for the first time in a very long time i went to michaels with an exact list: one new journal. and it had a purpose - not just to fill my need to get something at a good price so i could keep it in case i let myself use it in the future...but to be the second volume of my -eh, i'll say it -my subconscious. not one of my pictures has a plan. each comes to life line by line as i draw it in pen, no drafts. funny thing- because i have a severely difficult time making decisions of any kind from day to day  (even choosing which of my old, ratty t-shirts will clothe me). so for me to sit and have no idea what will become of the blank page in front of me is one of the only challenges i can face every day. i may think "mandala", but i have no idea past that.

i did a page similar to this one (page 5) - a cross-section of landscape, in my black spiral journal ( here it is ). it has been more popular than others and i so loved doing it i tried again, so this would be an exception to my "no plan" process. i love the subject matter - nature, trees, dirt, rocks and soil so much i could do this page over and over. i can't say that about any of my other pages before i start them. i can shoot for a general "biological specimen" subject, but that's about it. otherwise i'd have to deal with a commitment - forget that!

page 6

so besides knowing i want - in fact NEED to draw, the process of me sitting in front of a blank page has gotten less scary. i have finally come to the point that i only have the goal to draw, which makes me relax and in a small way block out the crap in my head the only way i can...by drawing detailed and repetitive patterns.

MY ART JOURNAL - where input becomes output

 

page 14

                                                                        page 13

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i have started a new journal, and i would like to share it here (and on flickr). it's very personal, but sharing makes it feel more important. it also feels like anyone who looks at it is somehow listening. :)

a big and annoying part of my OCD consists of repetitive negative thoughts. this process is aggravated by environmental input. the only control i have over input is obviously where i put myself. i have gotten into a pattern of sleeping during the morning, as night is more quiet and productive for me.

so how do i deal with what i take in? there is this constant flood of activity in my brain, uninvited and truly uninteresting, and pretty critical. this stream of negativity is exhausting in itself, so i try ways to dam it or change it's direction.  i spend a lot of time "researching" online. i open my facebook page in one tab, which has become a huge source of social networking for me (again, another post). in other tabs i have sometimes 4-6 different things i am looking into and learning about, mostly art related or interest-driven curiosity in weird topics. right now it's paranormal and urban exploration. i open these tabs and get carried-off on tangents by images and stories, blogs and flickr searches...and this gives me the slightest ability to direct my stream of consciousness toward things i actually like to think about. i love this escape.

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                                                                             page 12

 

page 10 - feelin like a mandala....

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 i also love movies. with extremely few exceptions, we watch netflix. i love having ultimate control over what we watch and when. we have become documentary junkies and have taken-in less popular yet amazing animated and independent films. for me, letting the shows "babysit" me is a form of medication. again, i am attempting to direct my thought patterns, only instead of me typing searches, i am letting myself float on something of interest that i have chosen. 

now i cannot watch TV without drawing or working on something. so i am creating in my journal while hopefully being carried by a wave of interesting input. i am not suggesting TV and internet can change anyone's life, i am sharing my thoughts on why i do what i do. certainly not excuses, as i am completely aware of the need for fresh air and exercise to balance. no need to turn that statement into any soapbox, there is no argument there.

 although internet and TV are not in themselves "art therapy", i use them to fuel my inspiration to create, and to give my mind a break as i draw or think about things i like to think about, things that don't drag me down.

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page 9 - fire and eyes

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i have come a long way in my art journal. i started out being indecisive and lacking confidence, now i can actually say i love my drawings and their process. drawing every day is necessary now -i want to draw from the minute i wake to the minute i lay down. i still have some motivation issues, but not for a lack of inspiration.
what inspires me these days?

• collections of rocks and minerals on flickr
• satellite maps of earth
• patterns of flowers and trees
• reptile, insect/bug and snake skin patterns and colors  

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page 7 - 'shrooms and songs...

 page 6 (left) - decisions suck 

page 8 (above) - mistakes can stay in your journal- in this case, i started drawing something that came out too freudian (inspired by a friend's pet snake) so i blackened it and called it a secret. :P what's obvious here is that i was still uncomfortable letting it be...

  

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pages 2, 3 and 4 -

space-waste, couldn't get motivated yet...i wasn't confident that anything i could draw was good enough to live on a permanent page in a journal.

so i tried to visually talk myself into it, then drew scribbles on a vintage medical page....

these pages and the inside cover took me longer to accomplish than most of my single pages later on!

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inside cover

i began on the inside cover for 2 reasons: i hate to waste anything, and it made my scary, empty journal seem more "mine".

so, there is the evolution of an art journal. every person has a different process, unique needs, varied skills, and preferences as to type of journal style or medium. but what i know to be true is that no matter those differences, every person can benefit from keeping a journal. and the most important part is that you need no specific skill to keep an art journal. it is your place to unwind and not judged.

childhood (70's) inspiration

i found my love for detail when i was very young, and taught by my dad to draw. one of my fondest memories as a child is coloring in a very detailed poster of a fairy....never finished the second one.

i am reeeally inspired by indian culture, specifically the brightly decorated fabrics, henna design, vintage heavily embroidered pieces, and hippy styles. i would like to do some posts about how immensely nature inspires me. :)

somewhere along the way i read advice on Etsy to "specialize". i always wanted to fancy myself a jack-of-all, and probably have done so to keep myself out of trouble, out of the responsibility of being something particular...because then you have to be really good. i still love to do all the other things - woodburning, sewing, painting and collage, but i am currently focusing on pen and ink design. i like the term "surface design" because it's specific.

art journal, pages 16-21

 

 pages 20 and 17

this layering thing i do has always been a means for me to create order from chaos. it immediately gives me a sense of control, lining up all of the little details...

i am very inspired by embroidered ribbons.

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page 16 

i wasn't sure how to finish this page, i wanted the skull to stand out. my need-to-keep made me scan before i added the detailing, so i could have both versions. :P

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page 18 

not inspired (or maybe just mentally tired) i resorted to my blobs. since that didn't give me any desire to detail, i outlined. this allowed me to fill space without having to decide how...

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page 21

on this day i felt like being more subconscious than pretty, and pulled a quote i like to give it "sense". it's how i felt that day. i really love outsider art..."raw" art...especially artists who have no training and draw with a very sophisticated childrens' style. 

when i used to have "psychotic" episodes, i would draw in symbols. i have seen several artists who are schizophrenic who use this method to communicate things that don't "make sense" to others. i could go freudian and explore the symbols i currently use a lot, but eh, that sounds too heavy. 

no matter your skill level, draw. even stick people or a little house with a tree take on special qualities that make them yours alone. the lack of art training makes pictures "speak" more, because you are concentrating too hard on just making the lines, and hopefully you forget to worry about perfection.

process

a page in my journal - 4 steps during the process i made myself stop and scan so i could show the gutts of this page. i like each one on its own, but it's my personal thing. as i become more confident with every page in my journal, i become more confident in the process of each page as well. it's where i get lost in the lines, becoming more absorbed with each detail and color. i have no preconceived ideas as i draw my first line, and i watch each piece unfold like a movie...
here is more of my current art journal: MY ART JOURNAL

postcard play

this is my podplanet. i have been finding inspiration on flickr from hundreds of searches for different new and old interests in biology, ocean creatures, geology and abstract landscapes. i am so magnetically attracted to mini living worlds, worlds inside of worlds (like cells) and the prospect of worlds beyond our own. so what is this?  i dunno. you can assign it a meaning of your own.

i searched a long list of urchins and jellyfish and decided to create my own new species... 

...another swirl theme with scales and roses...i like that i didn't let myself color the whole thing in - i scanned it and just added one color. well, a few variations of one color.

 

for some reason this one didn't have the - i guess i don't like the oranges so much. the blue "netting" layer reminds me of the white mushrooms that make themselves those hol-y umbrellas. i love love love mushrooms and their detailed undersides, and the tiny worlds they create on moss and lichen-covered branches and forest floors...

inchies.....group 3

 

 

 

these i made just because i am addicted to inch-work.  it's amazing therapy...tuning out excessive thought and focusing on minutia.  some of them are on bazzill cardstock, thus the texture, which dries my pens out quite rapidly!  the top sacred hearts are on recycled cardboard packaging (uh, yes, tissue boxes rule, ashley!).  while i do love the textured bazzill, it's too hard for me to work with on this scale, and i want my pens to last longer than one inch.... 

thanks for viewing.