reality

suede 23

mandalas have a sort of rule: 

you start in the middle and go around, adding, and making it grow - that satifies and centers me. it gives me the freedom to make the same details over and over and around, leaving me to just come up with colors and a way to finish it off. it's like following the lines of a street. i stick to the edge, working one layer at a time. it gives me a way to channel my obsessive need to control. i like to make off-center mandalas like this, to allow a peak at the surrounding atmospheres....

suede 22 and 20

paisleys give me very small areas to fill. boundaries are all important in my drawings: outlines and limits. i believe this need is a fight against my brain trying to control me. i turn on it and try to show i'm stronger. :)

suede 18

i have loved sugar skulls since the first time i saw them, and think that drawing them has even made me fear death a little less. (well, that and my newfound freedom from religion, which partially came about as a rebirth of my love and adoration for science). funny thing, though, i thought i would be more grounded in reality...turns out my mind doesn't play well with reality....

 

on to journal # 2

 
These are the first pages of my new journal! 
i'll be referring to it as the tan suede journal because of the faux cover :)   this empty book was begun a lot more easily than the first because i'm rolling on the confidence i collected finishing that one to the last page.

(page 1 & 2 above, 4 & 3 below)

for the first time in a very long time i went to michaels with an exact list: one new journal. and it had a purpose - not just to fill my need to get something at a good price so i could keep it in case i let myself use it in the future...but to be the second volume of my -eh, i'll say it -my subconscious. not one of my pictures has a plan. each comes to life line by line as i draw it in pen, no drafts. funny thing- because i have a severely difficult time making decisions of any kind from day to day  (even choosing which of my old, ratty t-shirts will clothe me). so for me to sit and have no idea what will become of the blank page in front of me is one of the only challenges i can face every day. i may think "mandala", but i have no idea past that.

i did a page similar to this one (page 5) - a cross-section of landscape, in my black spiral journal ( here it is ). it has been more popular than others and i so loved doing it i tried again, so this would be an exception to my "no plan" process. i love the subject matter - nature, trees, dirt, rocks and soil so much i could do this page over and over. i can't say that about any of my other pages before i start them. i can shoot for a general "biological specimen" subject, but that's about it. otherwise i'd have to deal with a commitment - forget that!

page 6

so besides knowing i want - in fact NEED to draw, the process of me sitting in front of a blank page has gotten less scary. i have finally come to the point that i only have the goal to draw, which makes me relax and in a small way block out the crap in my head the only way i can...by drawing detailed and repetitive patterns.

the guilt contingency

 

contingency. another life-sucker. every single thing i do every day is dependent on something else. in order for me to do something, it either HAS to be done or attached to something threatening or looming. that's a joy. i need to organize this before can use those new pastels. i need to clean out the office before i can let myself enjoy a new set of markers. recently it has gotten to be too much effort, and i am not sleeping well at all, so there are areas of my house that resemble an episode of hoarders. i lash guilt upon myself every time i walk past the room, but i'm now ok enough with it to keep walking. for today. i'm immortal, remember? i'll do it tomorrow....

the most excruciating thing about my contingencies is what i call the quarantine issue. when i buy something, especially if it's something i have wanted for a while (could be a candle or a new marker, even just a spanking t-shirt or broken thing from goodwill) it has to make it through quarantine. it sits in a bag for an undetermined amount of time before it's allowed out. if it's used it needs sterilization. stickers need to be removed. all this only after it goes through my guilty conscience for another indiscriminant amount of time in the bag. it's price is a huge factor in deciding how long it waits...so does my will to keep it over returning it buy buy something for my kids or husband. not that i'm that considerate or unselfish, i just have to keep punishing myself for things. ?!

ACEO batch 5

 

hi!  i have soo much more than this to post, but i wanted to start collaging some of these.  this style is getting boring to look at, although i love doing them, it relaxes me and the markers make me a little fuzzy.  i do like the 2" square size, and have done a set of new mandalas, i'll get those up too.

i adore the smell of oils, and am looking forward to getting my new oil sticks, pencils and pastels out to try. i bought some odorless turp alternative to do some messing and blending.  that will hopefully take me in a different direction...

i also want to pull more magic and illusionist stuff into my drawings.  i have been collecting some old images of tarot cards, ouija boards and zoltar machines. 

SCRAP-BOT

so, we are a family who likes to spend weekends not doing much, it doesn't help that we don't have any money right now, but both my kids love arts and crafting.  rodney is getting to enjoy it as well. i need a much larger table...

one boring sunday in the 100 degree summer, i took out my big trunk-box of jewelry scraps so we could make ROBOTS!   luk has been into the movie "robots" so he had the greatest reaction when the box was opened..."wo-ow!"

it was especially cool because i would guess half of what is in there is from my grandfather, who was a watch and clock repairman. he used to give me little boxes full of parts and old watches.

then my BF kimmy (hi, kimmy!) and i would go from estate sale to rummage sale pillaging any and all the old costume jewelry and junk we could... man, i miss those days...we would go home and spend hours breaking stuff apart (gasp) and sorting and sharing - oh, so very therapeutic!  then we had to start collecting vials and coin bottles to keep our ever-expanding collection of beads and clasps, pins and jump rings...oh, drewel....now, to put it all to use.

well, here is what i made.

other stuff i'm doing....

stuff i have been addicted to this month: downloading and organizing new free fonts (no reason), sucking-in pictures of vintage seahorses and mermaids (off ebay) - for inspiration - ....and searching for stuff i've not searched before for mix-media art: gumball charms-vintage mostly, old flash cards or game cards with cool pictures, german scrap - silver, mardi-gras beads, and vintage japanese plastic cabochons.......oooooh, want to expand my room full of little boxes full of joy....

musically impaired :: 24 hour update

yes, i have listened to a lot of music in the last few hours...several songs that i dnloaded for my daughter (9.66 years old), and others that i have heard only a handful of times and always loved, but never bought. i have this thing about getting a cd - and listening to 1, maybe 2 songs, then putting it at the bottom of the pile, you know, to protect the rest of the cd's from any tiny floods or misc damage from below....(?)
i enjoyed listening during the day, when we were doing stuff around the house and the kids were having fun, but as the day wore on, it was more challenging to just relax and take it in. there was that moment, not unlike benny and joon, where i ran to the pc to turn it down....actually there are times when i shove my fingers into my ears to quiet my world - then i get that suffocating claustrophobia and i really could pass out.
good grief, right? i have this hope that by putting this stuff in front of my face, and making myself be honest, it might just go away....kind of like that picture i drew in college...
so, here is what i collected online, if you are interested.

• andrea bocelli - ave maria, la donnamobile, time to say goodbye w sarah brightman
• bing crosby - melekalikimaka (from nat'l lampoon's xmas vacation), and young at heart w guy lombardo ( i really want guy lombardo's 3 little fishies, can't find it as single)
• collective soul - shine
• daniel powter - bad day
• eels - jelly dance (love this one)
• finger eleven - one thing (love this one too - want to hear more)
• goo goo dolls - name and slide (i so want better days and give a little bit)
• janis joplin - me and bobby mcgee
• jet - hold on from spiderman 2
• jeff stewart - from his website....great artist too!!!
• josh groban - you raise me up
• lenny kravitz - i love the rain, if you want it
• massive attack - inertia creeps and of course teardrop (i'm a house freak)
• men at work - down under (nostalgia)
• natasha bedingfield - these words and unwritten, which is a really awesome tune, these are for my daughter, but she has great talent
• pink - don't let me get me (want the pill song)
• ray charles - light out of darkness, messaround - everyone has to have this one - i will be searching for more ray oldies
• roisin murphy - primitive (while looking for rama lama song)
• rusted root - send me on my way and a drum solo, both live
• snow patrol - chasing cars, run, you could be happy -these guys are new to me
• the flecks - bessy, mr submarine man, now you're an angel - which is pure beauty, time is around (these are all on their myspace site, but now that their awesome bassist sent me the 1st cd i have them all!) thanks, V
• lemon heads - being around (funny)
• train - calling all angels, they call me free, when i look to the sky - need ordinary, also from spiderman
• t-rex - i love to boogie (loved billy elliot, so love this song)
• u2 - mission impossible theme (i own almost all of their other stuff)

musically impaired

i've always had a passion for music. it has always been there for me when i can't take life, reality. that's ironically the problem with it. i used to love listening to headphones and losing myself. i am sooo very claustrophobic i can't do it anymore. i'm trying as i write this to listen to some stuff i am downloading and i can only let them rest on my neck, because i am alone in the room. music itself is, to me, akin to the door they talk about in ghost hunter shows... the portal through which my senses and heart take over and bolt. gone. i can go all psych on this, but really, all it is is that songs have a way of lifting me off the floor and taking away my gravity. should be good, right? then i have the fear of being suspended or not in control of groundedness...like why i tried but can't water or snow ski, or skate. anyone with me so far? i feel , well, surrounded when i play loud music (or tv) and really miss that experience......you know that feeling when you're listening to a great song and it kind of wraps itself around you? brings back the youthful memories or ignites dreams of new experiences? 

i have a pretty huge palette of musical taste, cultured by both good and bad influences in my life, and i appreciate all of the lessons. i can go from bach to marilyn manson in a heartbeat, skipping through opera, folk, classic rock, african and hindu and blues on the way. i most love 30's and 40's stuff, bing crosby, alternative, classical and even some, gasp, pop. i never listen to the radio unless i can get a good mellow station or public radio, and haven't bought a cd in - many moons.

peter gabriel is one of my idols. i followed his concerts in college, once almost becoming stranded in a blizzard to get there. i had the privilege to see his UP tour, and own almost every cd he has made, including a german version of shock the monkey. i get as many of the source albums as i can afford, and find those to be some of my favorite songs! even my kids love those. my brother went to see him sing with sinead, and i think i shall never forgive him for leaving TWO UNUSED TICKETS behind without telling me. dude!

sinead was another long-time musical companion, as was enya. that means i have many of their cd's and could go to them over and over. i have since somehow abandoned them because i cannot listen to their music without being jolted back in time to places i care not go on most days. i am desperately trying to build a new songlist of nicer, happier music. more inspiring. i know not where to go. my brother gave me a nice collection of a bunch of his stuff. being an audio engineer and past band member, and collector of all cool instruments, he had quite a nice selection....but i lost it all when my pc crashed. TODAY I DOWNLOADED MY VERY FIRST MUSIC ONLINE. ok, after you pick your butts up off the floor, i have to say i got what i knew i would, hooked. for hours i grabbed what i could and left this place we call earth. 

there are times and days when i am extremely input overloaded, and i can't even listen to the thoughts in my head much less the sounds of my house, kids, husband and outside world at the same time. music is kind of like that for me... a sensory overload that calms, charges, inspires and exhausts me. when i have the need for background music, i put on singers and standards channel, adult alternative or sometimes reggae or blues. a lot of soundtracks have led me to new interests....and those vary greatly as well. i only wish i could sit all day and collect the music that makes me feel light.

my husband and i went to an alanis concert back before kids, and though we were the eldest people present, we had a blast. then we went to - drumroll - a bar!!! last november to hear a friend's local band ....now, i'm not sure how best to express the discomfort i feel in a dark, crowded bar, but it's up there on my list of most feared atmospheres. i was soooo excited to go that i actually blocked the over-packed parking lots out of my head as we walked from across the street. when we got inside i managed to not pass out when i became one with the throng of people. i even pulled my husband to the stage with my eyes mostly closed, so i could have the best view and be untouched on at least 2 of my 4 sides (yes, i am square). wow....we don't go out (unless there is a coupon for free kids' meals or someone dies or gets married) but being we were under some of the worst stress in our 20 year relationship, we agreed with this friend that a break was a good idea. the band was incredible, the music was absorbing for me, and standing in front of the speaker was miraculously not the death of me! in fact, i couldn't bring myself to leave and even took pictures with my phone! all i can say is thank you for such a great departure from my life, for a memorable trip back to my more alive self, and a plain old awesome time. it's almost good we moved 850 miles away, as one more of those nights would have done me in!!! your cd's are already worn!

so, if you're still with me, tell me what to do to overcome my fear of loss of control when listening to music?! i can't take much more quiet down here, i feel so alone. does anyone get this??? i truly loooove good music, and i can't just listen to the same stuff forever....when someone asks what new songs i like, i can't keep starting my answer with "laurie berkner". my now-sister-in-law made us a cd mix of all moving/home/south songs, and it was one of the best gifts i ever received. there are great tunes, none of which i have ever heard, and all truly good music, and it has become one of my favorite cd's. i even love reading the playlists of other artists, thinking the mental kinship might find me something new to love.

maybe reading a list of some of my favorite artists (see my other post) and hearing my story will strike someone like you who understands or feels sad for me "{ to make me a cd mix of grounded exhileration? i can't afford to download a whole shitload of music right now, and it's probably just as well, as i am an addict when it comes to some things...tell me how crazy this is?!

MY COLLECTIONS (long!)

anyone who knows me is painfully aware of my need to collect stuff. i grab something thinking i will use it for a project, then it gets stored in an old shoebox, then i forget about it. but it’s there. i don’t think any of my collections have any monetary value.

sometimes i think, when i see something at a rummage sale or thrift store….i’m sure that i will never see another one of those again, for that price anyway. the price is key. thus the lack of value…see?

maybe creating a list of my collections will be good therapy. maybe it will be a bridge to a new friend who collects what i do. or, maybe i am becoming uber-obssessive about my stuff. it cost us almost $10,000 to move it all down here, so i better shine some light on some of this stuff and make something…

ok, so here it is in all it’s too-much-info glory:

• STRANGE LITTLE ODD TOYS : i especially like very small and weird or somehow unusual toys, even if it’s just the color that makes it different. i have 4 sets of old apothecary drawers to store them all. even toy pieces make bring me happiness! i love little unusual animals, odd people figures, marbles (esp clay), old dice and game peices....frogs and turtles, wind-up tin toys...all very small.

• SMALL BOXES, TINS, CONTAINERS : LOVE tiny wood, soapstone, metal, or plastic things with lids (or not) especially very old, hand made boxes or glass vials from jewelry parts or even nice, simple hotel shampoo containers to store beads! i LOVE tiny vintage wood boxes that screw closed-like from jewelry parts - and the tiny tins that keep them sorted…want more…

• OLD BOOKS : poem, literature, art, biology, religion, and garden books…. most of my collection consists of medical books - surgery, anatomy, disease and nursing. they MUST have great pictures or illustrations and smooth pages. the heavier the better, the smaller the better, the ones that smell old are bonus points. mostly, unless it’s really awesome content, it must have awesome pictures. i am slowing down with this one too, unless it’s under $1.50, i won’t bite.

• CHILDREN'S BOOKS : i also have an insatiable need to gather childrens’ books that are well illustrated. they are mostly old, from my childhood era (ok, vintage then :] ). my favorites are “retro” style, absolutely must have pictures, and has to be a good story. these i buy at used kids shops or thrift stores, rummage sales. my kids have over 1000 books.

• RELIGIOUS ITEMS : i have a pretty cool box full of medals, crosses, old rosaries, plastic figures - saints and marys and such, holy cards and tiny prayer/icon cards. since i was raised catholic, that’s what most of my stuff is, but i would like to branch out a little. catholic stuff is so addictive for me. i have 2 shoeboxes full of this stuff.

• SMALL BLUE PLASTIC ANGELS: i started a small group (7) of blue plastic and ceramic angels -not more than 2 or 3 inches tall. love the more worn-out ones, mostly i find old christmas angels.

• SHINY PAPER : ( i AM a racoon)…i love little scraps of shiny or textured paper - mostly

• SEWING SCRAPS : old ribbon, ricrac, seam binding, cool old buttons, sequins, yadayada. use this stuff to put little accents on things or to make tiny quilted cards. i have a literal ton of fabric. (i had more than twice as much before we moved, but i gave more than half to the linus project ladies.) i have an intense need to recycle…i made 2.5 quilts anyway, that’s enough. ok, i have 4 kitchen sink boxes and about 4 office boxes full, and maybe a shoebox ..or 2 of sewing scraps/buttons/notions.

• COLLAGE MATERIALS : definitely my most embarrasing collection. i have approx 3 office boxes fuuuull of magazine and encyclopedia clippings and misc ephemera. i have made 1 large collage journal, and have recently started to make ATC’s (art trading cards, not to trade but to get inspired). i have also started altering books. i want to alter other stuff, i love to decoupage. in truth, the cutting and pasting is very relaxing for me, and i do it regularly, mostly right now i cut up my scrapbook magazines to keep ideas in - yes, yet another journal...i love ephemera like old written notes or lists or strange ads, sketches or doodles, and welcome any scraps anyone has to offer.

• SMALL BIRDS (and other orphaned creatures) : i've got a great small pink florenza metal limoge? bird, a ceramic weird retro bird planter (4 inches), and an olive-colored glass bird, as well as a very old xmas tree clip-on bird from my baba.....wish i could have one more.....so only 3 birds, but a new interest in small, old birds and bird images......i also take in small, odd ceramic frogs, turtles and squirrels..oh, and the occassional weird elephant!
  

• PHOTOGRAPHS: ok, i have several thousand pictures of my kids and most are no good, but i keep them all, now on cd's. but i always take in old, unwanted photos and postcards and i hope to collect more photos, even ones that aren't so good - they make excellent collage material.

• JUNK : this is a rather loose term for the few boxes of discarded items i have to keep. pieces of wood, parts of frames, broken stuff, old doll parts.. not sure why i still collect this stuff, once wanted to do more assemblages, guess i want to keep it on the burner..

• BEADS: wow, i went crazy here between college and kids…kimmy and i and our well-focused bead brains….this was my most acute binging- mostly at rummage sales and thrift stores, some catalog orders…we would sit up all night unstringing costume jewelry and dividing our finds, also searching for the all-important storage bottels…what memories! color, vintage-ness, and uniqueness were top priority. hmm…i have about 5 of those plastic sweater boxes of beads and related tools…

OLDER COLLECTIONS:

• STICKERS : well, i don’t collect much of these anymore, but i have to say i have an incredibly stupidly large amount of these….a forever interest that got out of control at the dawn of scrapbooking as a serious hobby…i have since moved on to rub-ons to keep the collection down, but my 40% coupons don’t help…

• CATS :i have about 100 vintage and “retro” ceramic, chalk, glass, plastic and porcelain cats. i am finished with this collection unless i find something i can’t resist. it was a pre-child, college interest.
• SCRAPBOOK SUPPLIES, BOOKS, MAGAZINES :this is my most valuable, or shall i say, financially draining collection. i have gotten a lot better at going obssessive, but i do have doubles due to the stupid need to use my 40% michaels and joann coupons - duh. currently i am amassing quite a ridiculous collection of patterend paper (vintage, distressed and retro) and rub-ons. STOP ME!

i cannot believe you're still reading this....maybe there ARE other people who can appreciate hoarding of all things personally beautiful and potentially new!!? i want to read others' lists of collections, so i will be skipping around other blogs to find people as obssessive as me. thanks for your interest!

*06.2011 update: i will be adding photos of these collections in the near future