my second sale! :D

my second sale - to a new collector! thank you, rowan, for buying my drawings! this lady is a lover of things on the darker side, and i am so glad to have shared some of my most organic pages with her. it has actually inspired me to go a bit deeper and to maybe draw some less pretty things....i am so afraid to show that side of me, so i mostly stay colorful and positive in my work. i have tried to begin drawings with more a more sinister feel, but would rather do that aside from my journal, so no one can see it.....

*warning: art therapy speech coming on*
on the upside of that, i can't remember how to visually represent my dark side. it's been years since i've drawn raw emotion. my art as therapy has become mainly a means to control what lines come out, a way to channel my scattered thought processes. when i used to draw raw, i didn't like what i made. it was childish and some of it was just disturbing. now i LIKE what i draw, and feel good after i put my journal down, so i will stay with that for now....and maybe explore the dark stuff on some scrap paper :) 
funny, as many years as i have been doing my own therapy through art, i am still learning how to use it to my best advantage....

process and focus

this is page 41. the only page i drew horizontally. it really bothers me that i chose this direction, having the binding on the bottom, but it worked out cool. :) layering, as i have previously pointed out, helps organize my thought process. it forces me to go one strip at a time, therefore i focus. it also looks all neat and tidy, making me calm. funny, my method of organization is to make piles all over my house. gives the fake illusion that i have it all together ;)

even the way i complete a drawing takes my concentration away from my encumbering thought racing. first i create the outlines of the entire drawing, then color in basic broad areas, then detail it to death. it's how most artists work, i assume, but i am breaking it down to show how each step is a way to hone your attention and take it away from other less appealing streams of mental discussion.

 

 below, page 42, is incomplete. i just didn't know what to showcase. decision-making is exhausting to me. if i can't come up with a concrete answer immediately, i usually give up. if i do, then i almost always go over and over it, pros and cons, is there something better...ugh. what a waste of life.

psychadelia & a little chaos

this page (22, above) is one of my favorites from my black journal. i really love 70's design and this is a tribute to the freedom of psychadelia...it made me happy the whole time i drew it, but i was also more nervous about screwing it up the whole time too. would have also liked more 70's coloration, which would have meant pencil, but i still enjoy the outcome. 

 pages 23, 24 and 25

page 25, is more of an attempt to order chaos, in that it has several ideas and layers that come together as a small world. the strangeness factor is more me than other pages, having the pieces all there in front of me at once with minimal rhyme and reason and no priority.

MY ART JOURNAL - where input becomes output

 

page 14

                                                                        page 13

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i have started a new journal, and i would like to share it here (and on flickr). it's very personal, but sharing makes it feel more important. it also feels like anyone who looks at it is somehow listening. :)

a big and annoying part of my OCD consists of repetitive negative thoughts. this process is aggravated by environmental input. the only control i have over input is obviously where i put myself. i have gotten into a pattern of sleeping during the morning, as night is more quiet and productive for me.

so how do i deal with what i take in? there is this constant flood of activity in my brain, uninvited and truly uninteresting, and pretty critical. this stream of negativity is exhausting in itself, so i try ways to dam it or change it's direction.  i spend a lot of time "researching" online. i open my facebook page in one tab, which has become a huge source of social networking for me (again, another post). in other tabs i have sometimes 4-6 different things i am looking into and learning about, mostly art related or interest-driven curiosity in weird topics. right now it's paranormal and urban exploration. i open these tabs and get carried-off on tangents by images and stories, blogs and flickr searches...and this gives me the slightest ability to direct my stream of consciousness toward things i actually like to think about. i love this escape.

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                                                                             page 12

 

page 10 - feelin like a mandala....

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 i also love movies. with extremely few exceptions, we watch netflix. i love having ultimate control over what we watch and when. we have become documentary junkies and have taken-in less popular yet amazing animated and independent films. for me, letting the shows "babysit" me is a form of medication. again, i am attempting to direct my thought patterns, only instead of me typing searches, i am letting myself float on something of interest that i have chosen. 

now i cannot watch TV without drawing or working on something. so i am creating in my journal while hopefully being carried by a wave of interesting input. i am not suggesting TV and internet can change anyone's life, i am sharing my thoughts on why i do what i do. certainly not excuses, as i am completely aware of the need for fresh air and exercise to balance. no need to turn that statement into any soapbox, there is no argument there.

 although internet and TV are not in themselves "art therapy", i use them to fuel my inspiration to create, and to give my mind a break as i draw or think about things i like to think about, things that don't drag me down.

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page 9 - fire and eyes

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i have come a long way in my art journal. i started out being indecisive and lacking confidence, now i can actually say i love my drawings and their process. drawing every day is necessary now -i want to draw from the minute i wake to the minute i lay down. i still have some motivation issues, but not for a lack of inspiration.
what inspires me these days?

• collections of rocks and minerals on flickr
• satellite maps of earth
• patterns of flowers and trees
• reptile, insect/bug and snake skin patterns and colors  

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page 7 - 'shrooms and songs...

 page 6 (left) - decisions suck 

page 8 (above) - mistakes can stay in your journal- in this case, i started drawing something that came out too freudian (inspired by a friend's pet snake) so i blackened it and called it a secret. :P what's obvious here is that i was still uncomfortable letting it be...

  

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pages 2, 3 and 4 -

space-waste, couldn't get motivated yet...i wasn't confident that anything i could draw was good enough to live on a permanent page in a journal.

so i tried to visually talk myself into it, then drew scribbles on a vintage medical page....

these pages and the inside cover took me longer to accomplish than most of my single pages later on!

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inside cover

i began on the inside cover for 2 reasons: i hate to waste anything, and it made my scary, empty journal seem more "mine".

so, there is the evolution of an art journal. every person has a different process, unique needs, varied skills, and preferences as to type of journal style or medium. but what i know to be true is that no matter those differences, every person can benefit from keeping a journal. and the most important part is that you need no specific skill to keep an art journal. it is your place to unwind and not judged.

little challenges (pages 26-30)

 page 28

this was a challenge to not repeat

 pages 26 and 29

these were challenges to leave a white background,

then to use no black outlines

 

 pages 27 and 30

a challenge to not fill-in the whole page,

and to mandala the whole page using at least one pattern i'm not fond of 

(in this case the leaf skeletons)

death of a hallucination

zoloft was one of the only antidepressants that ever worked for me for more than a few months. i remember when i first started taking it everything was so pretty and extra colorful~ oral rose-colored glasses....i used to sit on the porch and stare at the woods across the lot. the dizziness from beginning new meds made me have visions of shadows that rose above the treeline....i called it "people over the trees". sometimes they were funny, and other times they made me feel like they were watching me. (changing meds is a joy, huh?)

i made this in my journal as a way to smile at that time in my life. even though i was literally scared of the dining room chairs, i was able to take a small thing like the feeling i'm being watched and remember the times i felt it was funny that these shadows were staring at me...

in one sentence, i can say that my art erased a recurring hallucination i had during a dark time. instead of writing about it, i drew a picture of what i was "seeing and feeling". it never bothered me again.

that is a powerful tool. writing about it would have given it more energy, but drawing it brought it to the surface and made me confront it. i have kept the drawing. where many would have wanted to destroy it, i didn't want to burn it or trash it because it was my validation.  a reminder that i can succeed at calming fractions of my chaos.

starting journals, hospital

i started doing art in my journals in college, and painting time was the only time i felt sane and in control.  it took me years to realize i needed this consistently. i did projects here and there, and in between was a wreck. i was in and out of therapy, on and off meds (heavy anti-depressants at this point) and basically just trying to get from day to day. i did hold down a job at a group home for autistic adults, which was the most amazing job i could have imagined. these clients were some of the most interesting people i ever met. as i did art with them, i learned how powerful it was as a communication tool. i began doing more for myself, and started a collage journal - cut and paste mostly. if you knew how many hours and days i spent cutting up magazines...it only helped part of my life.  my job was challenging and my life was getting serious.

at some point i gave up, and everything crashed down on me. i took a bunch of meds and ended up in the psych ward for 3 weeks. as i laughed at those aides who tried to coerce me into the craft room to make potholders, i found strips of embroidered ribbons and tassels. i wanted them. so i started a "pillow" of hoarded scraps which got bigger and bigger over the 3 weeks i was there. then i had my boyfriend (now my husband) bring in my journal and magazines and glue, and i was allowed to have scissors under supervision. apparently they hadn't noticed the sculpture i created out of the wire hanger i found in my room (?!). when i had my things in my hands i was strong - i had a place to hide and a means to have authority over my mind. i remember the curiosity and interest my art and supplies triggered..and wide-eyed glares from the social workers and nurses. made me smile....

how my journaling started

i used to write endlessly in my personal journals. i was born with a LOVE for the physical act of writing, and kept many diaries and keepsake journals. but the matters i wrote about in my young adult years were things that bothered me, so i was actually giving permission to my brain to continue obssessing. yes, i unwaveringly believe that this process is cathartic and useful, and that writing out thoughts can dismiss them from your mind, but i also found that i kept returning to my journals for affirmation that i had reasons to be crazy. by rereading entries, i opened old crap for re-examination, which eventually made the thought processes spin further out of control.

i continued writing for years, sometimes pages filled with small longhand, other times a few disjointed words scrawled, painted or carved into the paper, but really very few drawings of any kind. the written word was seemingly more understandable to my imaginary readers? my only "art" was done separately from my journals, for classes mostly...

at the time i was most prolific with written journals, i was the most ill. i didn't care that my rantings were very unpleasant and disturbing to others. i was still new to my braincrap (as it presented during these years), and i was unsure of what to make of it.  i was scared, suicidal and in moments of lucidity, embarassed. this dark period (that sounds so artistic) overlapped with my bachelor's studies in art therapy and psychology. at one point my art therapy professor (thank you, M) expressed concern over my art therapy class journal and projects. he insisted i find a therapist, and i did.

and the excrutiatingly slow process of mental rehab (through self-imposed art therapy) begins...

sneak peek --- my ETSY

 ***** ETSY SHOP OPENING SOON!!!! *****

well, i have the storefront, and am madly matching a mostly minute menagerie of collage scraps!  i have sooo much to share that creating these kits has been taking up much of my time...it is so very much more challenging than i thought.  the OCD part of me doesn't want to give up, so again, my passion for "art" has been therapeutic. 

here are two items that will be up as soon as i put together several kits to post.  i hope to offer things that others don't have access to for their ATC /ACEO / inch-work / collage projects.  i will also be letting go of some back issues of Somerset Studio and assorted Stampington and scrapbook idea books and magazines. vintage and retro-ish styles are my loves, and i have at least 50 discarded and unwanted books to pull apart for sharing. i hope to add variety kits as well, including some of my vintage buttons and laces, as well as some new fibers and scrap papers that i buy too many of. please check back if you are in need of scrap-packs!!!  thanks.

 

inch-batch -undesirables

we all have those pieces we ditch....crappy colors, no depth, whatever.  these are a batch of my least favorite inchies this summer.  i still have a hard time thinking these are anything more than doodles we draw while talking on the phone or waiting in a doc's office...these aren't "art", are they?  they have become an obsession, though, and a therapeutic way to pass time...so they made the grade for my blog.

 

 

not sure what was going through my head here 

- except maybe an excessive need for control!!  ") 

 

SCRAP-BOT

so, we are a family who likes to spend weekends not doing much, it doesn't help that we don't have any money right now, but both my kids love arts and crafting.  rodney is getting to enjoy it as well. i need a much larger table...

one boring sunday in the 100 degree summer, i took out my big trunk-box of jewelry scraps so we could make ROBOTS!   luk has been into the movie "robots" so he had the greatest reaction when the box was opened..."wo-ow!"

it was especially cool because i would guess half of what is in there is from my grandfather, who was a watch and clock repairman. he used to give me little boxes full of parts and old watches.

then my BF kimmy (hi, kimmy!) and i would go from estate sale to rummage sale pillaging any and all the old costume jewelry and junk we could... man, i miss those days...we would go home and spend hours breaking stuff apart (gasp) and sorting and sharing - oh, so very therapeutic!  then we had to start collecting vials and coin bottles to keep our ever-expanding collection of beads and clasps, pins and jump rings...oh, drewel....now, to put it all to use.

well, here is what i made.

my studio space

i am pretty excited about having a studio space....i have been "waiting" for a chance to have a space of my own for creating. about the time my daughter was born i envisioned me scrapping these amazingly artsy and fun, happy scrap pages of her so very gorgeous little face. she will be 10 in october. i have put a lot of money into supplies and dreams, and now i almost have a space where i can do stuff - scrap, sew, paint, burn, make things. 

i keep myself very busy organizing and sorting, my best friend kim can attest to time wasted....but now it's all pretty and all i need is a table - no smaller than 3x5, and a nice bright light. i see the one we had at our house when we were kids - the kind of alien space-ship shaped thing that you can pull down closer to the table for extra light, then pull it again slightly to make it go back up. do you know where i can find one of these things?? ebay had 2 - but no glass. might have to hit ikea....

basically, my struggle here is getting started after so many years of building up my vision. everyone, i guess has this issue, and i accept it as part of the creative process but i also have that part of my brain that sets me up to fail. what if i suck? what if i can't find that piece of me that lets me do what i love? did it get eaten by the meds? i remember that i was mostly in not a great place when i did my better stuff. is that my only reason for making paintings and collages? or have i been given the gift of a really amazing form of self therapy??

i will begin with little sketches and drawings and ATCs (my version of them, anyway). i have been doing some drawing every day lately, and i will get the time and nerve to post it, just for fun and to see it stare back at me. that somehow makes it credible for me. ok, so i should go and work while i have sun. i will try to post a pic of my space today as well.
now if i could just get people off my back about swimming and going out.....