exposed

my good days are more a matter of how few of my hours are spent in sadness or obsessive thought patterns. i feel very content in my corner of the couch, with my markers and ice water....TV on with some documentary or reality show that i'm currently addicted to....

sometimes content means only that nothing is irritating me (like voices that sound extra loud or a noise outside, maybe an idling car).

this drawing is a favorite of mine. i have been working on combining and layering strict patterns with organic lines. after i looked at it, i realized it's a self-portrait in a way. it's me in a happy, centered mood, as i draw my pebbles (peace from nature). underneath are a few layers of less controlled pattern and underneath that are exposed raw nerves. a fragile balance, to say the least.

suede page 17

depression. OCD. bipolar-ocity.

it's like this.....

i have everything i need. i have a nice house, an extremely hard-working husband who says he loves me to death, and two amazing, smart and loving children.

i have 2 cats and 2 hamsters that light up my days.

i'm not very healthy but i'm not completely incapable of changing that either.

i consider myself an artist because that is my passion, i want to do nothing else most days, and i think i'm ok at it.

yet i feel uncontrollably sad and hopeless.

i have really neat collections of things i love and tons of old books to absorb, but i don't pay any attention to any of it. no-one else in the world cares. i crave the existence of all of it, NEED to look at it to survive each day, then i think of how much it bothers me that it means nothing to anyone else - because it's what defines me...therefore i am invisible. 

i am so much the same as every other parent out there....homework to help with, a ton of appointments to make and keep, endless cleaning and laundry, piles of things to go through and errands to run, but i resent it all. tiniest responsibilities tie me down and make me want to close my eyes til it's all over.

every day i wake up tired - no, exhausted because all night i have stressful dreams and fight to correct things in them. they are as real to me as day. thoughts never ever stop and just the slightest daily input of a phone call or even the sound of my computer fan can be too much. how badly i wish my OCD was about checking door locks...no, i have thoughts about fights i had years ago, things people say, looks i get....over and over i relive things that took me down as i try to change it all in my head. i know it's self-abusive and i cannot stop it.

"lighten up". "move on". it's disgusting and horrible to be around me so i avoid contact with anyone who might be offended by my ugliness. then i become guilty for being antisocial and worry how my kids will turn out if i become a hermit.

"just go outside, go somewhere!". "make a schedule". very difficult indeed and i don't care. i just don't. i am at my most level when i have no schedule, nothing that has to be done, and nothing to plan or prepare for.

in truth, i would hand it all over in a heartbeat. as much as i adore my kids and know they need me, i feel incapable of giving them what they need...even just time to play. i cringe when i think of them turning out like me, and think that if they were raised by "normal" people (another whole discussion, yes) they might have a chance.

i yearn to live alone. if i never had to see another person i would be happy. i know i would slowly kill myself by overeating and hoarding, but that would be ok. i would be able to do everything i want to- draw all day, eat, collect, watch movies, sit at my virtual world and sleep. i pretend there would be no bills, endless money and someone to do the shopping.

i'm not stupid. i have a degree- in psychology and art therapy! but it doesn't make me at all able to stop the cycles and change any of it.

bipolar cycles are a joy. i can cycle ten times a day or once in several weeks. depends on how much is going on. i'm not as angry as i used to be, so for that i am grateful, very grateful. my bottom is not as deep as it used to be, also great. i don't have the energy for the mania like i did in the past- all good! but levels i have now are still debilitating and can suck the life out of me. 

"you focus to much on yourself". "life is short-just enjoy and appreciate every minute". like i WANT to be like this. i enjoy being so self-absorbed! fact is, i hate most everything about myself so that is not what the reality is.

the reality is that from the moment i wake up (technically....though i struggle all night as well), it takes everything in my power to be "normal"....to not end up in a tailspin....to not end up in bed crying until i can't breathe. or just laying there staring off into my own head. am i depressing you? try living it. people hate how negative and pessimistic i am.... if they could only see what was on the inside of my skull.

i feel better now after writing it all out - again. maybe someone who reads all this can relate. maybe there is a loved one who suffers as well, and more understanding can be had by those who get to watch. if ONE person benefits from reading this, i have done something worthwhile. 

as for me, i'm now exhausted again and need to lie down. i have been trying to get through to any one of 3 new psychiatrists to provide me with prescription maintenance, but not one of them has gotten back to me after almost a week. 

so it goes...

inchies.....group 3

 

 

 

these i made just because i am addicted to inch-work.  it's amazing therapy...tuning out excessive thought and focusing on minutia.  some of them are on bazzill cardstock, thus the texture, which dries my pens out quite rapidly!  the top sacred hearts are on recycled cardboard packaging (uh, yes, tissue boxes rule, ashley!).  while i do love the textured bazzill, it's too hard for me to work with on this scale, and i want my pens to last longer than one inch.... 

thanks for viewing.

musically impaired

i've always had a passion for music. it has always been there for me when i can't take life, reality. that's ironically the problem with it. i used to love listening to headphones and losing myself. i am sooo very claustrophobic i can't do it anymore. i'm trying as i write this to listen to some stuff i am downloading and i can only let them rest on my neck, because i am alone in the room. music itself is, to me, akin to the door they talk about in ghost hunter shows... the portal through which my senses and heart take over and bolt. gone. i can go all psych on this, but really, all it is is that songs have a way of lifting me off the floor and taking away my gravity. should be good, right? then i have the fear of being suspended or not in control of groundedness...like why i tried but can't water or snow ski, or skate. anyone with me so far? i feel , well, surrounded when i play loud music (or tv) and really miss that experience......you know that feeling when you're listening to a great song and it kind of wraps itself around you? brings back the youthful memories or ignites dreams of new experiences? 

i have a pretty huge palette of musical taste, cultured by both good and bad influences in my life, and i appreciate all of the lessons. i can go from bach to marilyn manson in a heartbeat, skipping through opera, folk, classic rock, african and hindu and blues on the way. i most love 30's and 40's stuff, bing crosby, alternative, classical and even some, gasp, pop. i never listen to the radio unless i can get a good mellow station or public radio, and haven't bought a cd in - many moons.

peter gabriel is one of my idols. i followed his concerts in college, once almost becoming stranded in a blizzard to get there. i had the privilege to see his UP tour, and own almost every cd he has made, including a german version of shock the monkey. i get as many of the source albums as i can afford, and find those to be some of my favorite songs! even my kids love those. my brother went to see him sing with sinead, and i think i shall never forgive him for leaving TWO UNUSED TICKETS behind without telling me. dude!

sinead was another long-time musical companion, as was enya. that means i have many of their cd's and could go to them over and over. i have since somehow abandoned them because i cannot listen to their music without being jolted back in time to places i care not go on most days. i am desperately trying to build a new songlist of nicer, happier music. more inspiring. i know not where to go. my brother gave me a nice collection of a bunch of his stuff. being an audio engineer and past band member, and collector of all cool instruments, he had quite a nice selection....but i lost it all when my pc crashed. TODAY I DOWNLOADED MY VERY FIRST MUSIC ONLINE. ok, after you pick your butts up off the floor, i have to say i got what i knew i would, hooked. for hours i grabbed what i could and left this place we call earth. 

there are times and days when i am extremely input overloaded, and i can't even listen to the thoughts in my head much less the sounds of my house, kids, husband and outside world at the same time. music is kind of like that for me... a sensory overload that calms, charges, inspires and exhausts me. when i have the need for background music, i put on singers and standards channel, adult alternative or sometimes reggae or blues. a lot of soundtracks have led me to new interests....and those vary greatly as well. i only wish i could sit all day and collect the music that makes me feel light.

my husband and i went to an alanis concert back before kids, and though we were the eldest people present, we had a blast. then we went to - drumroll - a bar!!! last november to hear a friend's local band ....now, i'm not sure how best to express the discomfort i feel in a dark, crowded bar, but it's up there on my list of most feared atmospheres. i was soooo excited to go that i actually blocked the over-packed parking lots out of my head as we walked from across the street. when we got inside i managed to not pass out when i became one with the throng of people. i even pulled my husband to the stage with my eyes mostly closed, so i could have the best view and be untouched on at least 2 of my 4 sides (yes, i am square). wow....we don't go out (unless there is a coupon for free kids' meals or someone dies or gets married) but being we were under some of the worst stress in our 20 year relationship, we agreed with this friend that a break was a good idea. the band was incredible, the music was absorbing for me, and standing in front of the speaker was miraculously not the death of me! in fact, i couldn't bring myself to leave and even took pictures with my phone! all i can say is thank you for such a great departure from my life, for a memorable trip back to my more alive self, and a plain old awesome time. it's almost good we moved 850 miles away, as one more of those nights would have done me in!!! your cd's are already worn!

so, if you're still with me, tell me what to do to overcome my fear of loss of control when listening to music?! i can't take much more quiet down here, i feel so alone. does anyone get this??? i truly loooove good music, and i can't just listen to the same stuff forever....when someone asks what new songs i like, i can't keep starting my answer with "laurie berkner". my now-sister-in-law made us a cd mix of all moving/home/south songs, and it was one of the best gifts i ever received. there are great tunes, none of which i have ever heard, and all truly good music, and it has become one of my favorite cd's. i even love reading the playlists of other artists, thinking the mental kinship might find me something new to love.

maybe reading a list of some of my favorite artists (see my other post) and hearing my story will strike someone like you who understands or feels sad for me "{ to make me a cd mix of grounded exhileration? i can't afford to download a whole shitload of music right now, and it's probably just as well, as i am an addict when it comes to some things...tell me how crazy this is?!

MY COLLECTIONS (long!)

anyone who knows me is painfully aware of my need to collect stuff. i grab something thinking i will use it for a project, then it gets stored in an old shoebox, then i forget about it. but it’s there. i don’t think any of my collections have any monetary value.

sometimes i think, when i see something at a rummage sale or thrift store….i’m sure that i will never see another one of those again, for that price anyway. the price is key. thus the lack of value…see?

maybe creating a list of my collections will be good therapy. maybe it will be a bridge to a new friend who collects what i do. or, maybe i am becoming uber-obssessive about my stuff. it cost us almost $10,000 to move it all down here, so i better shine some light on some of this stuff and make something…

ok, so here it is in all it’s too-much-info glory:

• STRANGE LITTLE ODD TOYS : i especially like very small and weird or somehow unusual toys, even if it’s just the color that makes it different. i have 4 sets of old apothecary drawers to store them all. even toy pieces make bring me happiness! i love little unusual animals, odd people figures, marbles (esp clay), old dice and game peices....frogs and turtles, wind-up tin toys...all very small.

• SMALL BOXES, TINS, CONTAINERS : LOVE tiny wood, soapstone, metal, or plastic things with lids (or not) especially very old, hand made boxes or glass vials from jewelry parts or even nice, simple hotel shampoo containers to store beads! i LOVE tiny vintage wood boxes that screw closed-like from jewelry parts - and the tiny tins that keep them sorted…want more…

• OLD BOOKS : poem, literature, art, biology, religion, and garden books…. most of my collection consists of medical books - surgery, anatomy, disease and nursing. they MUST have great pictures or illustrations and smooth pages. the heavier the better, the smaller the better, the ones that smell old are bonus points. mostly, unless it’s really awesome content, it must have awesome pictures. i am slowing down with this one too, unless it’s under $1.50, i won’t bite.

• CHILDREN'S BOOKS : i also have an insatiable need to gather childrens’ books that are well illustrated. they are mostly old, from my childhood era (ok, vintage then :] ). my favorites are “retro” style, absolutely must have pictures, and has to be a good story. these i buy at used kids shops or thrift stores, rummage sales. my kids have over 1000 books.

• RELIGIOUS ITEMS : i have a pretty cool box full of medals, crosses, old rosaries, plastic figures - saints and marys and such, holy cards and tiny prayer/icon cards. since i was raised catholic, that’s what most of my stuff is, but i would like to branch out a little. catholic stuff is so addictive for me. i have 2 shoeboxes full of this stuff.

• SMALL BLUE PLASTIC ANGELS: i started a small group (7) of blue plastic and ceramic angels -not more than 2 or 3 inches tall. love the more worn-out ones, mostly i find old christmas angels.

• SHINY PAPER : ( i AM a racoon)…i love little scraps of shiny or textured paper - mostly

• SEWING SCRAPS : old ribbon, ricrac, seam binding, cool old buttons, sequins, yadayada. use this stuff to put little accents on things or to make tiny quilted cards. i have a literal ton of fabric. (i had more than twice as much before we moved, but i gave more than half to the linus project ladies.) i have an intense need to recycle…i made 2.5 quilts anyway, that’s enough. ok, i have 4 kitchen sink boxes and about 4 office boxes full, and maybe a shoebox ..or 2 of sewing scraps/buttons/notions.

• COLLAGE MATERIALS : definitely my most embarrasing collection. i have approx 3 office boxes fuuuull of magazine and encyclopedia clippings and misc ephemera. i have made 1 large collage journal, and have recently started to make ATC’s (art trading cards, not to trade but to get inspired). i have also started altering books. i want to alter other stuff, i love to decoupage. in truth, the cutting and pasting is very relaxing for me, and i do it regularly, mostly right now i cut up my scrapbook magazines to keep ideas in - yes, yet another journal...i love ephemera like old written notes or lists or strange ads, sketches or doodles, and welcome any scraps anyone has to offer.

• SMALL BIRDS (and other orphaned creatures) : i've got a great small pink florenza metal limoge? bird, a ceramic weird retro bird planter (4 inches), and an olive-colored glass bird, as well as a very old xmas tree clip-on bird from my baba.....wish i could have one more.....so only 3 birds, but a new interest in small, old birds and bird images......i also take in small, odd ceramic frogs, turtles and squirrels..oh, and the occassional weird elephant!
  

• PHOTOGRAPHS: ok, i have several thousand pictures of my kids and most are no good, but i keep them all, now on cd's. but i always take in old, unwanted photos and postcards and i hope to collect more photos, even ones that aren't so good - they make excellent collage material.

• JUNK : this is a rather loose term for the few boxes of discarded items i have to keep. pieces of wood, parts of frames, broken stuff, old doll parts.. not sure why i still collect this stuff, once wanted to do more assemblages, guess i want to keep it on the burner..

• BEADS: wow, i went crazy here between college and kids…kimmy and i and our well-focused bead brains….this was my most acute binging- mostly at rummage sales and thrift stores, some catalog orders…we would sit up all night unstringing costume jewelry and dividing our finds, also searching for the all-important storage bottels…what memories! color, vintage-ness, and uniqueness were top priority. hmm…i have about 5 of those plastic sweater boxes of beads and related tools…

OLDER COLLECTIONS:

• STICKERS : well, i don’t collect much of these anymore, but i have to say i have an incredibly stupidly large amount of these….a forever interest that got out of control at the dawn of scrapbooking as a serious hobby…i have since moved on to rub-ons to keep the collection down, but my 40% coupons don’t help…

• CATS :i have about 100 vintage and “retro” ceramic, chalk, glass, plastic and porcelain cats. i am finished with this collection unless i find something i can’t resist. it was a pre-child, college interest.
• SCRAPBOOK SUPPLIES, BOOKS, MAGAZINES :this is my most valuable, or shall i say, financially draining collection. i have gotten a lot better at going obssessive, but i do have doubles due to the stupid need to use my 40% michaels and joann coupons - duh. currently i am amassing quite a ridiculous collection of patterend paper (vintage, distressed and retro) and rub-ons. STOP ME!

i cannot believe you're still reading this....maybe there ARE other people who can appreciate hoarding of all things personally beautiful and potentially new!!? i want to read others' lists of collections, so i will be skipping around other blogs to find people as obssessive as me. thanks for your interest!

*06.2011 update: i will be adding photos of these collections in the near future