sci-fi ♥

suede 29 and 31

so, i have an obsession with Doctor Who and all things science fiction....especially vintage sci-fi movies with aliens, martians, space, rockets and other worlds....

i was recently turned on to War of the Worlds by H.G.Wells and it's become my favorite book. i no longer have the patience required to read, so my friend and i listened to the audio version together, which was so well read i couldn't draw while i listened. i have been introduced to a whole new world! i plan to listen to a lot more as i draw, it fills my head with new things and challenges me to sort input and output. thank you, steve. ;)

drawing 31, below,  reminds me of Journey to the Center of the Earth. :)

exposed

my good days are more a matter of how few of my hours are spent in sadness or obsessive thought patterns. i feel very content in my corner of the couch, with my markers and ice water....TV on with some documentary or reality show that i'm currently addicted to....

sometimes content means only that nothing is irritating me (like voices that sound extra loud or a noise outside, maybe an idling car).

this drawing is a favorite of mine. i have been working on combining and layering strict patterns with organic lines. after i looked at it, i realized it's a self-portrait in a way. it's me in a happy, centered mood, as i draw my pebbles (peace from nature). underneath are a few layers of less controlled pattern and underneath that are exposed raw nerves. a fragile balance, to say the least.

suede page 17

lettering and layers

 page 49

even mandalas are layered! :)

pages 47,46

the writing on the left is actually journaling, intentionally difficult to read, for my eyes only. still, using journaling in your artwork is a way to both detail a background and include the most personal part of yourself. the best part is you can be sloppy if, like me, you are extremely OCD about your handwriting....

pages 50, 48

these two pages are side-by-side so you can see my layering obsession. layering in organic lines as opposed to straight lines takes away the pressure of perfection. i do it more because i love the lines nature uses in almost all of it's creations. i would love to go on and on about things like fractals and chaos and other mathematical sequences that are universal, but as much as i love science, i know nothing about any of it, except that i have seen examples and admire the beauty of it all.

no relationships for me, thanks.

 

one of my recent relationships gone down under the weight of my OCD (page 37). i have severe trust issues, but still jump in when i find someone interesting. a new friendship is always refreshing: sharing and disclosing...then it hits. my overwhelming need to know it's permanent and that i can keep trusting. the need to know i'm really wanted. vulnerability pulls me into obsessive cycles of dependence and frustration, and the poor person runs. it's completely my fault, as i see it happening and despite attempts to control it and even stop it, it takes over my brain and ruins everything good in my life. i fucking hate it.

pages 38 and 39

page 40

challenge to stay open-ended. LOL.

MY ART JOURNAL - where input becomes output

 

page 14

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i have started a new journal, and i would like to share it here (and on flickr). it's very personal, but sharing makes it feel more important. it also feels like anyone who looks at it is somehow listening. :)

a big and annoying part of my OCD consists of repetitive negative thoughts. this process is aggravated by environmental input. the only control i have over input is obviously where i put myself. i have gotten into a pattern of sleeping during the morning, as night is more quiet and productive for me.

so how do i deal with what i take in? there is this constant flood of activity in my brain, uninvited and truly uninteresting, and pretty critical. this stream of negativity is exhausting in itself, so i try ways to dam it or change it's direction.  i spend a lot of time "researching" online. i open my facebook page in one tab, which has become a huge source of social networking for me (again, another post). in other tabs i have sometimes 4-6 different things i am looking into and learning about, mostly art related or interest-driven curiosity in weird topics. right now it's paranormal and urban exploration. i open these tabs and get carried-off on tangents by images and stories, blogs and flickr searches...and this gives me the slightest ability to direct my stream of consciousness toward things i actually like to think about. i love this escape.

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page 10 - feelin like a mandala....

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 i also love movies. with extremely few exceptions, we watch netflix. i love having ultimate control over what we watch and when. we have become documentary junkies and have taken-in less popular yet amazing animated and independent films. for me, letting the shows "babysit" me is a form of medication. again, i am attempting to direct my thought patterns, only instead of me typing searches, i am letting myself float on something of interest that i have chosen. 

now i cannot watch TV without drawing or working on something. so i am creating in my journal while hopefully being carried by a wave of interesting input. i am not suggesting TV and internet can change anyone's life, i am sharing my thoughts on why i do what i do. certainly not excuses, as i am completely aware of the need for fresh air and exercise to balance. no need to turn that statement into any soapbox, there is no argument there.

 although internet and TV are not in themselves "art therapy", i use them to fuel my inspiration to create, and to give my mind a break as i draw or think about things i like to think about, things that don't drag me down.

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page 9 - fire and eyes

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i have come a long way in my art journal. i started out being indecisive and lacking confidence, now i can actually say i love my drawings and their process. drawing every day is necessary now -i want to draw from the minute i wake to the minute i lay down. i still have some motivation issues, but not for a lack of inspiration.
what inspires me these days?

• collections of rocks and minerals on flickr
• satellite maps of earth
• patterns of flowers and trees
• reptile, insect/bug and snake skin patterns and colors  

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page 7 - 'shrooms and songs...

 page 6 (left) - decisions suck 

page 8 (above) - mistakes can stay in your journal- in this case, i started drawing something that came out too freudian (inspired by a friend's pet snake) so i blackened it and called it a secret. :P what's obvious here is that i was still uncomfortable letting it be...

  

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pages 2, 3 and 4 -

space-waste, couldn't get motivated yet...i wasn't confident that anything i could draw was good enough to live on a permanent page in a journal.

so i tried to visually talk myself into it, then drew scribbles on a vintage medical page....

these pages and the inside cover took me longer to accomplish than most of my single pages later on!

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inside cover

i began on the inside cover for 2 reasons: i hate to waste anything, and it made my scary, empty journal seem more "mine".

so, there is the evolution of an art journal. every person has a different process, unique needs, varied skills, and preferences as to type of journal style or medium. but what i know to be true is that no matter those differences, every person can benefit from keeping a journal. and the most important part is that you need no specific skill to keep an art journal. it is your place to unwind and not judged.

depression. OCD. bipolar-ocity.

it's like this.....

i have everything i need. i have a nice house, an extremely hard-working husband who says he loves me to death, and two amazing, smart and loving children.

i have 2 cats and 2 hamsters that light up my days.

i'm not very healthy but i'm not completely incapable of changing that either.

i consider myself an artist because that is my passion, i want to do nothing else most days, and i think i'm ok at it.

yet i feel uncontrollably sad and hopeless.

i have really neat collections of things i love and tons of old books to absorb, but i don't pay any attention to any of it. no-one else in the world cares. i crave the existence of all of it, NEED to look at it to survive each day, then i think of how much it bothers me that it means nothing to anyone else - because it's what defines me...therefore i am invisible. 

i am so much the same as every other parent out there....homework to help with, a ton of appointments to make and keep, endless cleaning and laundry, piles of things to go through and errands to run, but i resent it all. tiniest responsibilities tie me down and make me want to close my eyes til it's all over.

every day i wake up tired - no, exhausted because all night i have stressful dreams and fight to correct things in them. they are as real to me as day. thoughts never ever stop and just the slightest daily input of a phone call or even the sound of my computer fan can be too much. how badly i wish my OCD was about checking door locks...no, i have thoughts about fights i had years ago, things people say, looks i get....over and over i relive things that took me down as i try to change it all in my head. i know it's self-abusive and i cannot stop it.

"lighten up". "move on". it's disgusting and horrible to be around me so i avoid contact with anyone who might be offended by my ugliness. then i become guilty for being antisocial and worry how my kids will turn out if i become a hermit.

"just go outside, go somewhere!". "make a schedule". very difficult indeed and i don't care. i just don't. i am at my most level when i have no schedule, nothing that has to be done, and nothing to plan or prepare for.

in truth, i would hand it all over in a heartbeat. as much as i adore my kids and know they need me, i feel incapable of giving them what they need...even just time to play. i cringe when i think of them turning out like me, and think that if they were raised by "normal" people (another whole discussion, yes) they might have a chance.

i yearn to live alone. if i never had to see another person i would be happy. i know i would slowly kill myself by overeating and hoarding, but that would be ok. i would be able to do everything i want to- draw all day, eat, collect, watch movies, sit at my virtual world and sleep. i pretend there would be no bills, endless money and someone to do the shopping.

i'm not stupid. i have a degree- in psychology and art therapy! but it doesn't make me at all able to stop the cycles and change any of it.

bipolar cycles are a joy. i can cycle ten times a day or once in several weeks. depends on how much is going on. i'm not as angry as i used to be, so for that i am grateful, very grateful. my bottom is not as deep as it used to be, also great. i don't have the energy for the mania like i did in the past- all good! but levels i have now are still debilitating and can suck the life out of me. 

"you focus to much on yourself". "life is short-just enjoy and appreciate every minute". like i WANT to be like this. i enjoy being so self-absorbed! fact is, i hate most everything about myself so that is not what the reality is.

the reality is that from the moment i wake up (technically....though i struggle all night as well), it takes everything in my power to be "normal"....to not end up in a tailspin....to not end up in bed crying until i can't breathe. or just laying there staring off into my own head. am i depressing you? try living it. people hate how negative and pessimistic i am.... if they could only see what was on the inside of my skull.

i feel better now after writing it all out - again. maybe someone who reads all this can relate. maybe there is a loved one who suffers as well, and more understanding can be had by those who get to watch. if ONE person benefits from reading this, i have done something worthwhile. 

as for me, i'm now exhausted again and need to lie down. i have been trying to get through to any one of 3 new psychiatrists to provide me with prescription maintenance, but not one of them has gotten back to me after almost a week. 

so it goes...

brain energy

One of the documentaries i recently watched was about how 25% of our energy is used by our brains.  no WONDER i'm exhausted!  My brain works OT 24/7 and i have figured out (by nurturing my "dream consciousness" over many years) that i actually criticize and analyze my dreams as i am having them. So not only am i obssessing over daily stress and fantasies every hour that i sleep, i am also trying to pick apart elements of the dreams that don't make sense to me or that i want to try to alter. control freak? sure. OCD? absolutely. how much of my energy is being used by my brain? sometimes i feel it could be well over 50%.

it's about time that i have become more aware of my brain's requirements. i'm not naiive about how my brain misfires, which most of the time makes it more challenging to operate. knowing what is going on, but having no clue how to change it or how to make the irrational thinking patterns decrease is maddening! 

how my journaling started

i used to write endlessly in my personal journals. i was born with a LOVE for the physical act of writing, and kept many diaries and keepsake journals. but the matters i wrote about in my young adult years were things that bothered me, so i was actually giving permission to my brain to continue obssessing. yes, i unwaveringly believe that this process is cathartic and useful, and that writing out thoughts can dismiss them from your mind, but i also found that i kept returning to my journals for affirmation that i had reasons to be crazy. by rereading entries, i opened old crap for re-examination, which eventually made the thought processes spin further out of control.

i continued writing for years, sometimes pages filled with small longhand, other times a few disjointed words scrawled, painted or carved into the paper, but really very few drawings of any kind. the written word was seemingly more understandable to my imaginary readers? my only "art" was done separately from my journals, for classes mostly...

at the time i was most prolific with written journals, i was the most ill. i didn't care that my rantings were very unpleasant and disturbing to others. i was still new to my braincrap (as it presented during these years), and i was unsure of what to make of it.  i was scared, suicidal and in moments of lucidity, embarassed. this dark period (that sounds so artistic) overlapped with my bachelor's studies in art therapy and psychology. at one point my art therapy professor (thank you, M) expressed concern over my art therapy class journal and projects. he insisted i find a therapist, and i did.

and the excrutiatingly slow process of mental rehab (through self-imposed art therapy) begins...

new direction, kinda

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

so since i think my drawings are getting boring, i decided to try harder to add some dimension or substance. i feel ok that these are an improvement, and am newly refreshed and addicted to ACEO-sized pieces. i will even try a bit larger size, postcard or even a few of my vintage book boards. i'm laughing because i would like to do a few ACEOs horizontally, but my OCD is preventing it. i assume ahead of time that it won't work, that it will be odd due to the standard-ness of the trading card.

as far as color, i think it's amusing that "my" colors are really all muted, natural tones. you can't find red or orange anywhere in my house.              

ok.  i'm lying. right this instant i am wearing a red t-shirt. it has paint on it, though, so it isn't official enough to count. i prefer the serenity of earth tones and the peace they bring to my mind. tonight i will use my new colored pencils. i made sure, even though it was unsettling, that i picked some bright colors. i like the brightness of my pieces, so having the option to work in more muted or blended tones will be interesting.  

see? i'm already obsessing.

 

 

  

one more mandala and a 2 x 2 incher. i reeeally like how the greys turned out.  i used my bics and sharpies, including the new cafe colors (latte?) i don't do coffee, but i loove these new shades. i have enjoyed some of the monotone detail drawings i have found on flickr, i wonder what it would do to my system to work in one shade for the whole piece...

OH, WAIT!

i forgot to mention that i worked on my my FLICKR page, and now have all the things i have posted here (art-wise) on my FLICKR page so that whoever doesn't want to read stuff can go there to view everything together.  the colors actually look better here, because if you watch the slideshow version of FLICKR, the black is nice, but the size reduces the clarity too much.

but i have to say, that i am COMPLETELY HOOKED on FLICKR and have been trying to soak up as much art and photography as possible, building up my favorites list.  i will be posting both my FLICKR and ETSY favorite sellers badges here on my site, prolly on the LINK page. (i'm not overusing the word FLICKR anymore).

inch-batch -undesirables

we all have those pieces we ditch....crappy colors, no depth, whatever.  these are a batch of my least favorite inchies this summer.  i still have a hard time thinking these are anything more than doodles we draw while talking on the phone or waiting in a doc's office...these aren't "art", are they?  they have become an obsession, though, and a therapeutic way to pass time...so they made the grade for my blog.

 

 

not sure what was going through my head here 

- except maybe an excessive need for control!!  ") 

 

MY COLLECTIONS (long!)

anyone who knows me is painfully aware of my need to collect stuff. i grab something thinking i will use it for a project, then it gets stored in an old shoebox, then i forget about it. but it’s there. i don’t think any of my collections have any monetary value.

sometimes i think, when i see something at a rummage sale or thrift store….i’m sure that i will never see another one of those again, for that price anyway. the price is key. thus the lack of value…see?

maybe creating a list of my collections will be good therapy. maybe it will be a bridge to a new friend who collects what i do. or, maybe i am becoming uber-obssessive about my stuff. it cost us almost $10,000 to move it all down here, so i better shine some light on some of this stuff and make something…

ok, so here it is in all it’s too-much-info glory:

• STRANGE LITTLE ODD TOYS : i especially like very small and weird or somehow unusual toys, even if it’s just the color that makes it different. i have 4 sets of old apothecary drawers to store them all. even toy pieces make bring me happiness! i love little unusual animals, odd people figures, marbles (esp clay), old dice and game peices....frogs and turtles, wind-up tin toys...all very small.

• SMALL BOXES, TINS, CONTAINERS : LOVE tiny wood, soapstone, metal, or plastic things with lids (or not) especially very old, hand made boxes or glass vials from jewelry parts or even nice, simple hotel shampoo containers to store beads! i LOVE tiny vintage wood boxes that screw closed-like from jewelry parts - and the tiny tins that keep them sorted…want more…

• OLD BOOKS : poem, literature, art, biology, religion, and garden books…. most of my collection consists of medical books - surgery, anatomy, disease and nursing. they MUST have great pictures or illustrations and smooth pages. the heavier the better, the smaller the better, the ones that smell old are bonus points. mostly, unless it’s really awesome content, it must have awesome pictures. i am slowing down with this one too, unless it’s under $1.50, i won’t bite.

• CHILDREN'S BOOKS : i also have an insatiable need to gather childrens’ books that are well illustrated. they are mostly old, from my childhood era (ok, vintage then :] ). my favorites are “retro” style, absolutely must have pictures, and has to be a good story. these i buy at used kids shops or thrift stores, rummage sales. my kids have over 1000 books.

• RELIGIOUS ITEMS : i have a pretty cool box full of medals, crosses, old rosaries, plastic figures - saints and marys and such, holy cards and tiny prayer/icon cards. since i was raised catholic, that’s what most of my stuff is, but i would like to branch out a little. catholic stuff is so addictive for me. i have 2 shoeboxes full of this stuff.

• SMALL BLUE PLASTIC ANGELS: i started a small group (7) of blue plastic and ceramic angels -not more than 2 or 3 inches tall. love the more worn-out ones, mostly i find old christmas angels.

• SHINY PAPER : ( i AM a racoon)…i love little scraps of shiny or textured paper - mostly

• SEWING SCRAPS : old ribbon, ricrac, seam binding, cool old buttons, sequins, yadayada. use this stuff to put little accents on things or to make tiny quilted cards. i have a literal ton of fabric. (i had more than twice as much before we moved, but i gave more than half to the linus project ladies.) i have an intense need to recycle…i made 2.5 quilts anyway, that’s enough. ok, i have 4 kitchen sink boxes and about 4 office boxes full, and maybe a shoebox ..or 2 of sewing scraps/buttons/notions.

• COLLAGE MATERIALS : definitely my most embarrasing collection. i have approx 3 office boxes fuuuull of magazine and encyclopedia clippings and misc ephemera. i have made 1 large collage journal, and have recently started to make ATC’s (art trading cards, not to trade but to get inspired). i have also started altering books. i want to alter other stuff, i love to decoupage. in truth, the cutting and pasting is very relaxing for me, and i do it regularly, mostly right now i cut up my scrapbook magazines to keep ideas in - yes, yet another journal...i love ephemera like old written notes or lists or strange ads, sketches or doodles, and welcome any scraps anyone has to offer.

• SMALL BIRDS (and other orphaned creatures) : i've got a great small pink florenza metal limoge? bird, a ceramic weird retro bird planter (4 inches), and an olive-colored glass bird, as well as a very old xmas tree clip-on bird from my baba.....wish i could have one more.....so only 3 birds, but a new interest in small, old birds and bird images......i also take in small, odd ceramic frogs, turtles and squirrels..oh, and the occassional weird elephant!
  

• PHOTOGRAPHS: ok, i have several thousand pictures of my kids and most are no good, but i keep them all, now on cd's. but i always take in old, unwanted photos and postcards and i hope to collect more photos, even ones that aren't so good - they make excellent collage material.

• JUNK : this is a rather loose term for the few boxes of discarded items i have to keep. pieces of wood, parts of frames, broken stuff, old doll parts.. not sure why i still collect this stuff, once wanted to do more assemblages, guess i want to keep it on the burner..

• BEADS: wow, i went crazy here between college and kids…kimmy and i and our well-focused bead brains….this was my most acute binging- mostly at rummage sales and thrift stores, some catalog orders…we would sit up all night unstringing costume jewelry and dividing our finds, also searching for the all-important storage bottels…what memories! color, vintage-ness, and uniqueness were top priority. hmm…i have about 5 of those plastic sweater boxes of beads and related tools…

OLDER COLLECTIONS:

• STICKERS : well, i don’t collect much of these anymore, but i have to say i have an incredibly stupidly large amount of these….a forever interest that got out of control at the dawn of scrapbooking as a serious hobby…i have since moved on to rub-ons to keep the collection down, but my 40% coupons don’t help…

• CATS :i have about 100 vintage and “retro” ceramic, chalk, glass, plastic and porcelain cats. i am finished with this collection unless i find something i can’t resist. it was a pre-child, college interest.
• SCRAPBOOK SUPPLIES, BOOKS, MAGAZINES :this is my most valuable, or shall i say, financially draining collection. i have gotten a lot better at going obssessive, but i do have doubles due to the stupid need to use my 40% michaels and joann coupons - duh. currently i am amassing quite a ridiculous collection of patterend paper (vintage, distressed and retro) and rub-ons. STOP ME!

i cannot believe you're still reading this....maybe there ARE other people who can appreciate hoarding of all things personally beautiful and potentially new!!? i want to read others' lists of collections, so i will be skipping around other blogs to find people as obssessive as me. thanks for your interest!

*06.2011 update: i will be adding photos of these collections in the near future