my second sale! :D

my second sale - to a new collector! thank you, rowan, for buying my drawings! this lady is a lover of things on the darker side, and i am so glad to have shared some of my most organic pages with her. it has actually inspired me to go a bit deeper and to maybe draw some less pretty things....i am so afraid to show that side of me, so i mostly stay colorful and positive in my work. i have tried to begin drawings with more a more sinister feel, but would rather do that aside from my journal, so no one can see it.....

*warning: art therapy speech coming on*
on the upside of that, i can't remember how to visually represent my dark side. it's been years since i've drawn raw emotion. my art as therapy has become mainly a means to control what lines come out, a way to channel my scattered thought processes. when i used to draw raw, i didn't like what i made. it was childish and some of it was just disturbing. now i LIKE what i draw, and feel good after i put my journal down, so i will stay with that for now....and maybe explore the dark stuff on some scrap paper :) 
funny, as many years as i have been doing my own therapy through art, i am still learning how to use it to my best advantage....

new journal pages....

suede 26

nature has such a nurturing feel, organic lines that surround each other....

                                                                      

                  suede 27

to find patterns that don't really repeat is my biggest challenge doing this kind of drawing. once again, organic order....everything living has organic order, from amoebas to galaxies. like matryoshkas.....nesting one inside the next....

suede 28 and 25

process and focus

this is page 41. the only page i drew horizontally. it really bothers me that i chose this direction, having the binding on the bottom, but it worked out cool. :) layering, as i have previously pointed out, helps organize my thought process. it forces me to go one strip at a time, therefore i focus. it also looks all neat and tidy, making me calm. funny, my method of organization is to make piles all over my house. gives the fake illusion that i have it all together ;)

even the way i complete a drawing takes my concentration away from my encumbering thought racing. first i create the outlines of the entire drawing, then color in basic broad areas, then detail it to death. it's how most artists work, i assume, but i am breaking it down to show how each step is a way to hone your attention and take it away from other less appealing streams of mental discussion.

 

 below, page 42, is incomplete. i just didn't know what to showcase. decision-making is exhausting to me. if i can't come up with a concrete answer immediately, i usually give up. if i do, then i almost always go over and over it, pros and cons, is there something better...ugh. what a waste of life.

on to journal # 2

 
These are the first pages of my new journal! 
i'll be referring to it as the tan suede journal because of the faux cover :)   this empty book was begun a lot more easily than the first because i'm rolling on the confidence i collected finishing that one to the last page.

(page 1 & 2 above, 4 & 3 below)

for the first time in a very long time i went to michaels with an exact list: one new journal. and it had a purpose - not just to fill my need to get something at a good price so i could keep it in case i let myself use it in the future...but to be the second volume of my -eh, i'll say it -my subconscious. not one of my pictures has a plan. each comes to life line by line as i draw it in pen, no drafts. funny thing- because i have a severely difficult time making decisions of any kind from day to day  (even choosing which of my old, ratty t-shirts will clothe me). so for me to sit and have no idea what will become of the blank page in front of me is one of the only challenges i can face every day. i may think "mandala", but i have no idea past that.

i did a page similar to this one (page 5) - a cross-section of landscape, in my black spiral journal ( here it is ). it has been more popular than others and i so loved doing it i tried again, so this would be an exception to my "no plan" process. i love the subject matter - nature, trees, dirt, rocks and soil so much i could do this page over and over. i can't say that about any of my other pages before i start them. i can shoot for a general "biological specimen" subject, but that's about it. otherwise i'd have to deal with a commitment - forget that!

page 6

so besides knowing i want - in fact NEED to draw, the process of me sitting in front of a blank page has gotten less scary. i have finally come to the point that i only have the goal to draw, which makes me relax and in a small way block out the crap in my head the only way i can...by drawing detailed and repetitive patterns.

depression. OCD. bipolar-ocity.

it's like this.....

i have everything i need. i have a nice house, an extremely hard-working husband who says he loves me to death, and two amazing, smart and loving children.

i have 2 cats and 2 hamsters that light up my days.

i'm not very healthy but i'm not completely incapable of changing that either.

i consider myself an artist because that is my passion, i want to do nothing else most days, and i think i'm ok at it.

yet i feel uncontrollably sad and hopeless.

i have really neat collections of things i love and tons of old books to absorb, but i don't pay any attention to any of it. no-one else in the world cares. i crave the existence of all of it, NEED to look at it to survive each day, then i think of how much it bothers me that it means nothing to anyone else - because it's what defines me...therefore i am invisible. 

i am so much the same as every other parent out there....homework to help with, a ton of appointments to make and keep, endless cleaning and laundry, piles of things to go through and errands to run, but i resent it all. tiniest responsibilities tie me down and make me want to close my eyes til it's all over.

every day i wake up tired - no, exhausted because all night i have stressful dreams and fight to correct things in them. they are as real to me as day. thoughts never ever stop and just the slightest daily input of a phone call or even the sound of my computer fan can be too much. how badly i wish my OCD was about checking door locks...no, i have thoughts about fights i had years ago, things people say, looks i get....over and over i relive things that took me down as i try to change it all in my head. i know it's self-abusive and i cannot stop it.

"lighten up". "move on". it's disgusting and horrible to be around me so i avoid contact with anyone who might be offended by my ugliness. then i become guilty for being antisocial and worry how my kids will turn out if i become a hermit.

"just go outside, go somewhere!". "make a schedule". very difficult indeed and i don't care. i just don't. i am at my most level when i have no schedule, nothing that has to be done, and nothing to plan or prepare for.

in truth, i would hand it all over in a heartbeat. as much as i adore my kids and know they need me, i feel incapable of giving them what they need...even just time to play. i cringe when i think of them turning out like me, and think that if they were raised by "normal" people (another whole discussion, yes) they might have a chance.

i yearn to live alone. if i never had to see another person i would be happy. i know i would slowly kill myself by overeating and hoarding, but that would be ok. i would be able to do everything i want to- draw all day, eat, collect, watch movies, sit at my virtual world and sleep. i pretend there would be no bills, endless money and someone to do the shopping.

i'm not stupid. i have a degree- in psychology and art therapy! but it doesn't make me at all able to stop the cycles and change any of it.

bipolar cycles are a joy. i can cycle ten times a day or once in several weeks. depends on how much is going on. i'm not as angry as i used to be, so for that i am grateful, very grateful. my bottom is not as deep as it used to be, also great. i don't have the energy for the mania like i did in the past- all good! but levels i have now are still debilitating and can suck the life out of me. 

"you focus to much on yourself". "life is short-just enjoy and appreciate every minute". like i WANT to be like this. i enjoy being so self-absorbed! fact is, i hate most everything about myself so that is not what the reality is.

the reality is that from the moment i wake up (technically....though i struggle all night as well), it takes everything in my power to be "normal"....to not end up in a tailspin....to not end up in bed crying until i can't breathe. or just laying there staring off into my own head. am i depressing you? try living it. people hate how negative and pessimistic i am.... if they could only see what was on the inside of my skull.

i feel better now after writing it all out - again. maybe someone who reads all this can relate. maybe there is a loved one who suffers as well, and more understanding can be had by those who get to watch. if ONE person benefits from reading this, i have done something worthwhile. 

as for me, i'm now exhausted again and need to lie down. i have been trying to get through to any one of 3 new psychiatrists to provide me with prescription maintenance, but not one of them has gotten back to me after almost a week. 

so it goes...

my studio space

i am pretty excited about having a studio space....i have been "waiting" for a chance to have a space of my own for creating. about the time my daughter was born i envisioned me scrapping these amazingly artsy and fun, happy scrap pages of her so very gorgeous little face. she will be 10 in october. i have put a lot of money into supplies and dreams, and now i almost have a space where i can do stuff - scrap, sew, paint, burn, make things. 

i keep myself very busy organizing and sorting, my best friend kim can attest to time wasted....but now it's all pretty and all i need is a table - no smaller than 3x5, and a nice bright light. i see the one we had at our house when we were kids - the kind of alien space-ship shaped thing that you can pull down closer to the table for extra light, then pull it again slightly to make it go back up. do you know where i can find one of these things?? ebay had 2 - but no glass. might have to hit ikea....

basically, my struggle here is getting started after so many years of building up my vision. everyone, i guess has this issue, and i accept it as part of the creative process but i also have that part of my brain that sets me up to fail. what if i suck? what if i can't find that piece of me that lets me do what i love? did it get eaten by the meds? i remember that i was mostly in not a great place when i did my better stuff. is that my only reason for making paintings and collages? or have i been given the gift of a really amazing form of self therapy??

i will begin with little sketches and drawings and ATCs (my version of them, anyway). i have been doing some drawing every day lately, and i will get the time and nerve to post it, just for fun and to see it stare back at me. that somehow makes it credible for me. ok, so i should go and work while i have sun. i will try to post a pic of my space today as well.
now if i could just get people off my back about swimming and going out.....