reality

suede 23

mandalas have a sort of rule: 

you start in the middle and go around, adding, and making it grow - that satifies and centers me. it gives me the freedom to make the same details over and over and around, leaving me to just come up with colors and a way to finish it off. it's like following the lines of a street. i stick to the edge, working one layer at a time. it gives me a way to channel my obsessive need to control. i like to make off-center mandalas like this, to allow a peak at the surrounding atmospheres....

suede 22 and 20

paisleys give me very small areas to fill. boundaries are all important in my drawings: outlines and limits. i believe this need is a fight against my brain trying to control me. i turn on it and try to show i'm stronger. :)

suede 18

i have loved sugar skulls since the first time i saw them, and think that drawing them has even made me fear death a little less. (well, that and my newfound freedom from religion, which partially came about as a rebirth of my love and adoration for science). funny thing, though, i thought i would be more grounded in reality...turns out my mind doesn't play well with reality....

 

anti-social

i just want to be alone. by myself. the only people who ask me to come around are my immediate family (well, besides my kids and husband). i can't stand the thought of all the layers of formalities when getting together with others. the surface excited-to-see-you top layer, accompanied by kisses and hugs...the next few layers of how long it's been (months, days, hours, minutes) since we last saw each other.....the awkward pauses in between how excrutiatingly busy everyone's life is but mine....

what does it do? i mean,  what does this meeting of individuals do for you? for me, it gives me stress. from the minute i realize there is a holiday or birthday on the way, to at least 24 hours afterwards, i am stressed. what do i talk about? how do i present myself as a happy, well-adjusted mom and wife? how do i stay interested in everything without input overload? every single time i have to put myself out there, give a good impression, make it look like i'm all ok, so all involved are satisfied, and then i can go.

other people have different approaches. some get extremely agitated and look like a wound top when they appear, others fake a huge smile and laugh and act all in control of a hugely chaotic life, others are obviously barely making it through the ordeal. i have grown to detest the fake layers. but i also don't want to talk about my problems or anyone else's. there is no "happy" medium. i don't feel any better after spending time with people. i feel worse. i don't feel a loving support system, i feel nothing but stress. i don't like taking up other peoples' time and space and caring energy, i just want to run.

but i have to consider my kids. yes, i know. i am an example for them. i am supposed to be sharing this family time and showing them how to have relationships and how to be sociable people. i can't. i don't know how. nor do i care to learn myself. my kids seem to have a grasp of others and how to interact. they both have a good intuition and sense about others. i want them to continue learning for themselves, my input is only confusing and depressing.

so you ask me, why would i ever even consider leaving my family, my kids, going away and letting them fend for themselves. stupid question. if you are in a toxic relationship, your goal should be to get out. i am responsible for putting the best examples forward for my kids to be guided by, and i'm not a good example. repair or remove the source of toxicity. seems so simple and effective, yet feelings come in and complicate everyfuckingthing. every day i wonder how i got this far....

process and focus

this is page 41. the only page i drew horizontally. it really bothers me that i chose this direction, having the binding on the bottom, but it worked out cool. :) layering, as i have previously pointed out, helps organize my thought process. it forces me to go one strip at a time, therefore i focus. it also looks all neat and tidy, making me calm. funny, my method of organization is to make piles all over my house. gives the fake illusion that i have it all together ;)

even the way i complete a drawing takes my concentration away from my encumbering thought racing. first i create the outlines of the entire drawing, then color in basic broad areas, then detail it to death. it's how most artists work, i assume, but i am breaking it down to show how each step is a way to hone your attention and take it away from other less appealing streams of mental discussion.

 

 below, page 42, is incomplete. i just didn't know what to showcase. decision-making is exhausting to me. if i can't come up with a concrete answer immediately, i usually give up. if i do, then i almost always go over and over it, pros and cons, is there something better...ugh. what a waste of life.

no relationships for me, thanks.

 

one of my recent relationships gone down under the weight of my OCD (page 37). i have severe trust issues, but still jump in when i find someone interesting. a new friendship is always refreshing: sharing and disclosing...then it hits. my overwhelming need to know it's permanent and that i can keep trusting. the need to know i'm really wanted. vulnerability pulls me into obsessive cycles of dependence and frustration, and the poor person runs. it's completely my fault, as i see it happening and despite attempts to control it and even stop it, it takes over my brain and ruins everything good in my life. i fucking hate it.

pages 38 and 39

page 40

challenge to stay open-ended. LOL.

spliced lily & the need to repeat (pages 31-36)

page 31 - not a fan of lilies or any flowers this shape, but as it appears to be a cross-section, i'm good. plus the coloration is very much to my liking (deep purply-blue makes me so mellow). and i think the background detail came out exactly as i would have planned it to. :)

...then the repetition comes back to me....(page 35)

extreme need for mental order on these days....

  

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page 32 left, 34 right

i haven't felt a compulsion to color these as i do the rest.

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    and page 36...serenity

on to journal # 2

 
These are the first pages of my new journal! 
i'll be referring to it as the tan suede journal because of the faux cover :)   this empty book was begun a lot more easily than the first because i'm rolling on the confidence i collected finishing that one to the last page.

(page 1 & 2 above, 4 & 3 below)

for the first time in a very long time i went to michaels with an exact list: one new journal. and it had a purpose - not just to fill my need to get something at a good price so i could keep it in case i let myself use it in the future...but to be the second volume of my -eh, i'll say it -my subconscious. not one of my pictures has a plan. each comes to life line by line as i draw it in pen, no drafts. funny thing- because i have a severely difficult time making decisions of any kind from day to day  (even choosing which of my old, ratty t-shirts will clothe me). so for me to sit and have no idea what will become of the blank page in front of me is one of the only challenges i can face every day. i may think "mandala", but i have no idea past that.

i did a page similar to this one (page 5) - a cross-section of landscape, in my black spiral journal ( here it is ). it has been more popular than others and i so loved doing it i tried again, so this would be an exception to my "no plan" process. i love the subject matter - nature, trees, dirt, rocks and soil so much i could do this page over and over. i can't say that about any of my other pages before i start them. i can shoot for a general "biological specimen" subject, but that's about it. otherwise i'd have to deal with a commitment - forget that!

page 6

so besides knowing i want - in fact NEED to draw, the process of me sitting in front of a blank page has gotten less scary. i have finally come to the point that i only have the goal to draw, which makes me relax and in a small way block out the crap in my head the only way i can...by drawing detailed and repetitive patterns.

MY ART JOURNAL - where input becomes output

 

page 14

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i have started a new journal, and i would like to share it here (and on flickr). it's very personal, but sharing makes it feel more important. it also feels like anyone who looks at it is somehow listening. :)

a big and annoying part of my OCD consists of repetitive negative thoughts. this process is aggravated by environmental input. the only control i have over input is obviously where i put myself. i have gotten into a pattern of sleeping during the morning, as night is more quiet and productive for me.

so how do i deal with what i take in? there is this constant flood of activity in my brain, uninvited and truly uninteresting, and pretty critical. this stream of negativity is exhausting in itself, so i try ways to dam it or change it's direction.  i spend a lot of time "researching" online. i open my facebook page in one tab, which has become a huge source of social networking for me (again, another post). in other tabs i have sometimes 4-6 different things i am looking into and learning about, mostly art related or interest-driven curiosity in weird topics. right now it's paranormal and urban exploration. i open these tabs and get carried-off on tangents by images and stories, blogs and flickr searches...and this gives me the slightest ability to direct my stream of consciousness toward things i actually like to think about. i love this escape.

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                                                                             page 12

 

page 10 - feelin like a mandala....

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 i also love movies. with extremely few exceptions, we watch netflix. i love having ultimate control over what we watch and when. we have become documentary junkies and have taken-in less popular yet amazing animated and independent films. for me, letting the shows "babysit" me is a form of medication. again, i am attempting to direct my thought patterns, only instead of me typing searches, i am letting myself float on something of interest that i have chosen. 

now i cannot watch TV without drawing or working on something. so i am creating in my journal while hopefully being carried by a wave of interesting input. i am not suggesting TV and internet can change anyone's life, i am sharing my thoughts on why i do what i do. certainly not excuses, as i am completely aware of the need for fresh air and exercise to balance. no need to turn that statement into any soapbox, there is no argument there.

 although internet and TV are not in themselves "art therapy", i use them to fuel my inspiration to create, and to give my mind a break as i draw or think about things i like to think about, things that don't drag me down.

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page 9 - fire and eyes

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i have come a long way in my art journal. i started out being indecisive and lacking confidence, now i can actually say i love my drawings and their process. drawing every day is necessary now -i want to draw from the minute i wake to the minute i lay down. i still have some motivation issues, but not for a lack of inspiration.
what inspires me these days?

• collections of rocks and minerals on flickr
• satellite maps of earth
• patterns of flowers and trees
• reptile, insect/bug and snake skin patterns and colors  

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page 7 - 'shrooms and songs...

 page 6 (left) - decisions suck 

page 8 (above) - mistakes can stay in your journal- in this case, i started drawing something that came out too freudian (inspired by a friend's pet snake) so i blackened it and called it a secret. :P what's obvious here is that i was still uncomfortable letting it be...

  

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pages 2, 3 and 4 -

space-waste, couldn't get motivated yet...i wasn't confident that anything i could draw was good enough to live on a permanent page in a journal.

so i tried to visually talk myself into it, then drew scribbles on a vintage medical page....

these pages and the inside cover took me longer to accomplish than most of my single pages later on!

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inside cover

i began on the inside cover for 2 reasons: i hate to waste anything, and it made my scary, empty journal seem more "mine".

so, there is the evolution of an art journal. every person has a different process, unique needs, varied skills, and preferences as to type of journal style or medium. but what i know to be true is that no matter those differences, every person can benefit from keeping a journal. and the most important part is that you need no specific skill to keep an art journal. it is your place to unwind and not judged.

the guilt contingency

 

contingency. another life-sucker. every single thing i do every day is dependent on something else. in order for me to do something, it either HAS to be done or attached to something threatening or looming. that's a joy. i need to organize this before can use those new pastels. i need to clean out the office before i can let myself enjoy a new set of markers. recently it has gotten to be too much effort, and i am not sleeping well at all, so there are areas of my house that resemble an episode of hoarders. i lash guilt upon myself every time i walk past the room, but i'm now ok enough with it to keep walking. for today. i'm immortal, remember? i'll do it tomorrow....

the most excruciating thing about my contingencies is what i call the quarantine issue. when i buy something, especially if it's something i have wanted for a while (could be a candle or a new marker, even just a spanking t-shirt or broken thing from goodwill) it has to make it through quarantine. it sits in a bag for an undetermined amount of time before it's allowed out. if it's used it needs sterilization. stickers need to be removed. all this only after it goes through my guilty conscience for another indiscriminant amount of time in the bag. it's price is a huge factor in deciding how long it waits...so does my will to keep it over returning it buy buy something for my kids or husband. not that i'm that considerate or unselfish, i just have to keep punishing myself for things. ?!

starting journals, hospital

i started doing art in my journals in college, and painting time was the only time i felt sane and in control.  it took me years to realize i needed this consistently. i did projects here and there, and in between was a wreck. i was in and out of therapy, on and off meds (heavy anti-depressants at this point) and basically just trying to get from day to day. i did hold down a job at a group home for autistic adults, which was the most amazing job i could have imagined. these clients were some of the most interesting people i ever met. as i did art with them, i learned how powerful it was as a communication tool. i began doing more for myself, and started a collage journal - cut and paste mostly. if you knew how many hours and days i spent cutting up magazines...it only helped part of my life.  my job was challenging and my life was getting serious.

at some point i gave up, and everything crashed down on me. i took a bunch of meds and ended up in the psych ward for 3 weeks. as i laughed at those aides who tried to coerce me into the craft room to make potholders, i found strips of embroidered ribbons and tassels. i wanted them. so i started a "pillow" of hoarded scraps which got bigger and bigger over the 3 weeks i was there. then i had my boyfriend (now my husband) bring in my journal and magazines and glue, and i was allowed to have scissors under supervision. apparently they hadn't noticed the sculpture i created out of the wire hanger i found in my room (?!). when i had my things in my hands i was strong - i had a place to hide and a means to have authority over my mind. i remember the curiosity and interest my art and supplies triggered..and wide-eyed glares from the social workers and nurses. made me smile....

art journal, pages 16-21

 

 pages 20 and 17

this layering thing i do has always been a means for me to create order from chaos. it immediately gives me a sense of control, lining up all of the little details...

i am very inspired by embroidered ribbons.

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page 16 

i wasn't sure how to finish this page, i wanted the skull to stand out. my need-to-keep made me scan before i added the detailing, so i could have both versions. :P

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page 18 

not inspired (or maybe just mentally tired) i resorted to my blobs. since that didn't give me any desire to detail, i outlined. this allowed me to fill space without having to decide how...

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page 21

on this day i felt like being more subconscious than pretty, and pulled a quote i like to give it "sense". it's how i felt that day. i really love outsider art..."raw" art...especially artists who have no training and draw with a very sophisticated childrens' style. 

when i used to have "psychotic" episodes, i would draw in symbols. i have seen several artists who are schizophrenic who use this method to communicate things that don't "make sense" to others. i could go freudian and explore the symbols i currently use a lot, but eh, that sounds too heavy. 

no matter your skill level, draw. even stick people or a little house with a tree take on special qualities that make them yours alone. the lack of art training makes pictures "speak" more, because you are concentrating too hard on just making the lines, and hopefully you forget to worry about perfection.

50 things that make me happy

dispense as written / in random order / nonprioritized

1. rain –sound, smell and feel
2. fire –sound, sight and smell
3. magazines –mainly scrap and art- smell and paper type are important
4. cool weather – 50-60 degrees and breezy
5. snow
6. big mountains and woods, i love trees
7. my kids' running and laughing
8. christmas cards with glitter – glitter is uber cool
9. hersheys milk chocolate – mostly with jif creamy
10. good music by talented musicians
11. 30's and 40's music
12. 50's, 60's and 70's styles, kitsch, furniture
13. fonts - free fonts
14. high mass at rosary cathedral + large choirs
15. forensic and crime shows
16. being up post-dusk to pre-dawn
17. writing – journaling, papermate pens, thin paper
18. thrift stores
19. estate sales
20. rummage sales
21. birds and crickets and frogs singing
22. art, art, more art, creating, enjoying and living it
23. skipping around online, finding art and weird sites
24. tiny wood, glass and metal containers, boxes, vials
25. old medical, art, science and lit books with lots of old pics
26. photographs – taking, viewing and messing with digitally
27. down-time and naps, coool showers
28. a really good meal, mostly comfort food
29. beeeeeeeads...........odder+older=better
30. tiny fantasy worlds : fairies & dragons
31. "reality" shows: top chef, project runway, ID channel, house
32. movies – drama, disney + pixar, funny, suspense, indies, fantasy
33. popcorn, corn on the cob, corn nuts!
34. paranormal, ghosts, unexplained mysteries
35. old rosaries, medals, angels and holy cards
36. christmas lights – mini, multi, blinking, big bulbs, any kind, any time
37. sticks and stones, twigs and rocks
38. waterfalls, the sound of water in brooks and streams
39. my blanket and pillow, and cool, crisp fresh sheets
40. scrapbooking, reading about scrapbooking, buying scrap stuff
41. little, old, toys or toy pieces, broken or not
42. vintage ephemera, postcards, weird ads
43. collaging – cutting and pasting (since forever) –titanium or fiskars microtip scissors
44. turkey hill philadelphia style vanilla bean ice cream, or breyers vanilla bean since i can't get turkey hill
45. dill pickles (mt olive), black and green olives, green olives stuffed with garlic, dilled brussel sprouts, mild dilled cauliflower, tony packos chunky garlic pickles
46. moon, clouds, stars (and vintage glittery stars)
47. getting packages and hand-written mail ( hand-signed cards are a treat anymore!)
48. childrens' art, art done as therapy by anyone
49. psychology, especially abnormal and criminal
50. daydreaming

i am constantly making lists of stuff to buy, to do, to make, to send, i guess to feel like i am in control of something, even if the crap never gets done. i also make lists of stuff the kids do and say, and their achievements, but then i lose them in my piles, my chaos. here they might be safe. for awhile, til this site becomes a mess too. then there are the lists about me. i do these lists only to have a record for my children of my semi-sane side. i want them to know normal things about me, that they might not just remember difficult days and---

musically impaired

i've always had a passion for music. it has always been there for me when i can't take life, reality. that's ironically the problem with it. i used to love listening to headphones and losing myself. i am sooo very claustrophobic i can't do it anymore. i'm trying as i write this to listen to some stuff i am downloading and i can only let them rest on my neck, because i am alone in the room. music itself is, to me, akin to the door they talk about in ghost hunter shows... the portal through which my senses and heart take over and bolt. gone. i can go all psych on this, but really, all it is is that songs have a way of lifting me off the floor and taking away my gravity. should be good, right? then i have the fear of being suspended or not in control of groundedness...like why i tried but can't water or snow ski, or skate. anyone with me so far? i feel , well, surrounded when i play loud music (or tv) and really miss that experience......you know that feeling when you're listening to a great song and it kind of wraps itself around you? brings back the youthful memories or ignites dreams of new experiences? 

i have a pretty huge palette of musical taste, cultured by both good and bad influences in my life, and i appreciate all of the lessons. i can go from bach to marilyn manson in a heartbeat, skipping through opera, folk, classic rock, african and hindu and blues on the way. i most love 30's and 40's stuff, bing crosby, alternative, classical and even some, gasp, pop. i never listen to the radio unless i can get a good mellow station or public radio, and haven't bought a cd in - many moons.

peter gabriel is one of my idols. i followed his concerts in college, once almost becoming stranded in a blizzard to get there. i had the privilege to see his UP tour, and own almost every cd he has made, including a german version of shock the monkey. i get as many of the source albums as i can afford, and find those to be some of my favorite songs! even my kids love those. my brother went to see him sing with sinead, and i think i shall never forgive him for leaving TWO UNUSED TICKETS behind without telling me. dude!

sinead was another long-time musical companion, as was enya. that means i have many of their cd's and could go to them over and over. i have since somehow abandoned them because i cannot listen to their music without being jolted back in time to places i care not go on most days. i am desperately trying to build a new songlist of nicer, happier music. more inspiring. i know not where to go. my brother gave me a nice collection of a bunch of his stuff. being an audio engineer and past band member, and collector of all cool instruments, he had quite a nice selection....but i lost it all when my pc crashed. TODAY I DOWNLOADED MY VERY FIRST MUSIC ONLINE. ok, after you pick your butts up off the floor, i have to say i got what i knew i would, hooked. for hours i grabbed what i could and left this place we call earth. 

there are times and days when i am extremely input overloaded, and i can't even listen to the thoughts in my head much less the sounds of my house, kids, husband and outside world at the same time. music is kind of like that for me... a sensory overload that calms, charges, inspires and exhausts me. when i have the need for background music, i put on singers and standards channel, adult alternative or sometimes reggae or blues. a lot of soundtracks have led me to new interests....and those vary greatly as well. i only wish i could sit all day and collect the music that makes me feel light.

my husband and i went to an alanis concert back before kids, and though we were the eldest people present, we had a blast. then we went to - drumroll - a bar!!! last november to hear a friend's local band ....now, i'm not sure how best to express the discomfort i feel in a dark, crowded bar, but it's up there on my list of most feared atmospheres. i was soooo excited to go that i actually blocked the over-packed parking lots out of my head as we walked from across the street. when we got inside i managed to not pass out when i became one with the throng of people. i even pulled my husband to the stage with my eyes mostly closed, so i could have the best view and be untouched on at least 2 of my 4 sides (yes, i am square). wow....we don't go out (unless there is a coupon for free kids' meals or someone dies or gets married) but being we were under some of the worst stress in our 20 year relationship, we agreed with this friend that a break was a good idea. the band was incredible, the music was absorbing for me, and standing in front of the speaker was miraculously not the death of me! in fact, i couldn't bring myself to leave and even took pictures with my phone! all i can say is thank you for such a great departure from my life, for a memorable trip back to my more alive self, and a plain old awesome time. it's almost good we moved 850 miles away, as one more of those nights would have done me in!!! your cd's are already worn!

so, if you're still with me, tell me what to do to overcome my fear of loss of control when listening to music?! i can't take much more quiet down here, i feel so alone. does anyone get this??? i truly loooove good music, and i can't just listen to the same stuff forever....when someone asks what new songs i like, i can't keep starting my answer with "laurie berkner". my now-sister-in-law made us a cd mix of all moving/home/south songs, and it was one of the best gifts i ever received. there are great tunes, none of which i have ever heard, and all truly good music, and it has become one of my favorite cd's. i even love reading the playlists of other artists, thinking the mental kinship might find me something new to love.

maybe reading a list of some of my favorite artists (see my other post) and hearing my story will strike someone like you who understands or feels sad for me "{ to make me a cd mix of grounded exhileration? i can't afford to download a whole shitload of music right now, and it's probably just as well, as i am an addict when it comes to some things...tell me how crazy this is?!