new favorites!

suede 35

above and below (pages 35 and 36) are 2 of my new favorites. i'm liking using straight lines with imperfect and unbalanced forms, it feels strong...and who doesn't adore pomegranates? truly one of the prettiest and most delicious fruits in existence...

this mandala is my fave because i went askew and used colors asymmetrically. i think it makes the whole thing move just a little, it has an energy. it's off in a few places, but that's because it's human...lol...have i said i love mandalas? ♥

 

suede 36

 

my second sale! :D

my second sale - to a new collector! thank you, rowan, for buying my drawings! this lady is a lover of things on the darker side, and i am so glad to have shared some of my most organic pages with her. it has actually inspired me to go a bit deeper and to maybe draw some less pretty things....i am so afraid to show that side of me, so i mostly stay colorful and positive in my work. i have tried to begin drawings with more a more sinister feel, but would rather do that aside from my journal, so no one can see it.....

*warning: art therapy speech coming on*
on the upside of that, i can't remember how to visually represent my dark side. it's been years since i've drawn raw emotion. my art as therapy has become mainly a means to control what lines come out, a way to channel my scattered thought processes. when i used to draw raw, i didn't like what i made. it was childish and some of it was just disturbing. now i LIKE what i draw, and feel good after i put my journal down, so i will stay with that for now....and maybe explore the dark stuff on some scrap paper :) 
funny, as many years as i have been doing my own therapy through art, i am still learning how to use it to my best advantage....

sci-fi ♥

suede 29 and 31

so, i have an obsession with Doctor Who and all things science fiction....especially vintage sci-fi movies with aliens, martians, space, rockets and other worlds....

i was recently turned on to War of the Worlds by H.G.Wells and it's become my favorite book. i no longer have the patience required to read, so my friend and i listened to the audio version together, which was so well read i couldn't draw while i listened. i have been introduced to a whole new world! i plan to listen to a lot more as i draw, it fills my head with new things and challenges me to sort input and output. thank you, steve. ;)

drawing 31, below,  reminds me of Journey to the Center of the Earth. :)

new journal pages....

suede 26

nature has such a nurturing feel, organic lines that surround each other....

                                                                      

                  suede 27

to find patterns that don't really repeat is my biggest challenge doing this kind of drawing. once again, organic order....everything living has organic order, from amoebas to galaxies. like matryoshkas.....nesting one inside the next....

suede 28 and 25

exposed

my good days are more a matter of how few of my hours are spent in sadness or obsessive thought patterns. i feel very content in my corner of the couch, with my markers and ice water....TV on with some documentary or reality show that i'm currently addicted to....

sometimes content means only that nothing is irritating me (like voices that sound extra loud or a noise outside, maybe an idling car).

this drawing is a favorite of mine. i have been working on combining and layering strict patterns with organic lines. after i looked at it, i realized it's a self-portrait in a way. it's me in a happy, centered mood, as i draw my pebbles (peace from nature). underneath are a few layers of less controlled pattern and underneath that are exposed raw nerves. a fragile balance, to say the least.

suede page 17

reality

suede 23

mandalas have a sort of rule: 

you start in the middle and go around, adding, and making it grow - that satifies and centers me. it gives me the freedom to make the same details over and over and around, leaving me to just come up with colors and a way to finish it off. it's like following the lines of a street. i stick to the edge, working one layer at a time. it gives me a way to channel my obsessive need to control. i like to make off-center mandalas like this, to allow a peak at the surrounding atmospheres....

suede 22 and 20

paisleys give me very small areas to fill. boundaries are all important in my drawings: outlines and limits. i believe this need is a fight against my brain trying to control me. i turn on it and try to show i'm stronger. :)

suede 18

i have loved sugar skulls since the first time i saw them, and think that drawing them has even made me fear death a little less. (well, that and my newfound freedom from religion, which partially came about as a rebirth of my love and adoration for science). funny thing, though, i thought i would be more grounded in reality...turns out my mind doesn't play well with reality....

 

more journal pages

 

journal page 15

another micro-worldy vision...

 page 16

heavy on the blues for most of this post. i didn't like blue most of my life, but i find myself reaching for it all the time now, along with lavenders and aquas....

 

 page 13

 pages 14 and 12

i thought the patterns in 14 were like the curves of glaciers, so i went with an icy slice. ice and snow crystals are so perfect and beautiful....

and 12 was a challenge to not fill in the page. i think i may have even left the leaves white to tease myself....i can be so mean lol.

emotional void - depression at its best

emotionally flatlined. that's how my drugs make me feel. for the sake of clarification, i am taking effexor and geodon, with a side of ambien to sleep. all generic. i am now of "normal" affect, and reasonably sane. the racing, repetitive thoughts and bipolar mood swings are subdued. i don't know how to be "normal". i'm not unappreciative, but i really feel hollow and absent.

the most frustrating issue i have right now is that my creativity is also absent. i sit to draw and stare at my journal. it's almost tedious to make lines. this is what i count on and thrive on. it's all but gone. then i have these depression jags that are unbearable. i have had two in the last month. for about 3 days i weep uncontrollably and become suicidal. i can't eat or sleep. unless i take lots of ambien, then i can comatose myself for 18 hours....

reading this back to myself i can't help feeling guilty. obviously, anyone on the "outside" would say "hey, your biggest issue is that now you can function as a parent...as a wife! shut it and go live!"

i have no answer for that.

i imagine it's kind of like being completely paralyzed, and having to learn everything all over, from the beginning. who the hell am i? what am i supposed to do with all that space in my brain? a joyous time, right? a time when i can reinvent myself for the better! a time to celebrate and enjoy just having the chance to feel ok!

most people strive to be happy....and to become happier. i strive to protect myself. i know that all at once it will all shatter and a deeply stabbing depression will overtake me, making me immobile. and yes, i will get through it, hopefully, because i have kids who need me. but at some point, as it has been for 27 years, the meds will quit, and i will be back to my worst self- the one who cannot function and the one who has to start all over. going through a med transition is serious torture. physical illness, mind-wrenching thought processes and exhaustion tear me down for weeks, 2 months this last time....

that said, i know there are people, even in my own family, who doubt the instability of my illness. everyone wants to believe that i take medicine, i'm better, or i get off the meds, i'll be fine...my best friend- who lives across the world- says we americans see happiness as a right, and become bent if we aren't happy on any consistent level. i see that. and i feel like being on prozac or any other anti-depressant has become almost "cool" in some circles. perhaps it's a way to feel less alone, or maybe we just like the excuse. either way, i'm not on that road. i don't even think i have the ability to be happy anymore. in fact, i truly believe i will be just content to not feel hopeless and sad. if you are one of thousands who think that i talk myself into falling over and over again, i hope you never feel this reality. and the most positive attitude in the world cannot fend it off.

what it comes down to is that i take meds to not have severe anger and depression issues, and they do not work consistently. having been on 29 different medications, i know the routine. up to 2 months transition ... feel ok for 9-24 months at best ... crash ... transition....all the while protecting myself from the next hill and it's delicacy. i don't want pity, i just want understanding and perhaps support here and there. i want to share what i experience so others can better understand their loved ones or even help themselves through art. :)

drawing: journal page 11