freeeze

november 18, 42 degrees, 21 tonight with hard freeze warning, (people are scurrying home from work, already accidents all over the highways) - i have the windows open and ceiling fans on.....

ok, it's probably my problem.

inched out

it's finally cooler and breezy, taking away some of the staleness. ohio is getting snow.....
i am growing tired of my inch-arts. made a whole bunch, don't know what to do with them. now that i have started small, i guess maybe i should go a little bigger - probably ATC's and off-beat scrap pages... baby steps....at this rate, i might make a decent-sized painting by the time i'm dead! i realize that these tiny canvases bring me the feeling that i have a tiny bit of control. i can produce order, even if only one inch at a time.
my house is a live, relentless hurricane. whenever i get it all sorted (into manageable piles) luka goes through and sweeps the toys, kitchen utensils and other non-toy essentials into a carpet of items that, if stepped upon, would cause a trip to the ER for extraction. dinosaurs, trucks and tiny pieces of toys...
piles are my method of organizing. i have piles everywhere, and now i am making piles of tiny colored thingys, or i make a 6 x 6 assortment if i'm really ambitious. yes, for those who also do that, i do admit that 6 x 6 is just a lame way for me to commit, or to give the bad ones a place to hide amongst the ones that turn out ok. :)

3 at 3

november 3rd, 3 am, 2005.
no one can forget the moment their child is born. for me, my kids' birthdays are more difficult than exciting. instead of reveling in their growth, i want to go back to that moment when i first looked in their eyes and hold them close forever. when i was young, i didn't want kids. then i found out i was pretty sick and couldn't have them anyway. then it mattered. but we didn't heed the docs warning to try immediately after my surgery if i wanted any chance.

6 years later, on the first try, our miracle daughter em came along. then, after a 5 1/2 year struggle, through the miscarriage of our daughter (we named her maggie), i held what i hoped was a sister for em. but what we got was a boy. and now i could never ever dream of a life without a boy. he is amazing, and after a difficult painful and diabetic pregnancy he refused to leave my ribcage even with 4.5 days of induced labor - so he came to us c-section.

my em turned 10 13 days ago, and my son is 3 today. but i can still smell those minutes, feel their skin and tiny breath, hear their cries....i've got to remember all of that and still turn around and see how incredible they are, and how much they make me proud to be their mama.

physically too, it was a really long recovery from being pregnant with my son. with more health problems now, my age already catching up, i have been far from the same. it's hard most days to keep up with them both and i have a lot of help from rodney, but he is back in school, and not really with me...we are in separate places in life. and i am here, where i promised i would never come, and after a complete year (on halloween night) i am still not a part of this place. i still miss home with a deep sadness, miss the boys, miss my/our good life and the comfort of knowing my city inside out. it took more than 23 years to make that life, a life i bitched about because there had to be someplace more beautiful to live. i was thinking the mountains or northwest. my husband and i dreamed excessively about getting out of town and heading northwest to oregon or montana, maybe even canadian rockies. so why was that rendered not important? we made a quick decision at a bad time, and spent all of our money making it happen, just to pat ourselves on the back for doing the right thing.

i digress. but it's all i think about....well, almost. the other stuff is confidential...
starting over??!! not in any way, except in a long-lasting end-of the road kind of way. how do you turn back now that new boundaries have been set with family? some family... other family boundaries haven't changed at all. i want my happy life back. i want to breathe again..........

need art....

need to do something more artistic than my daughter's math project to spend a million dollars...it's a great time capsule for her turning 10 - don't even get me started on how much that just depresses me. my boy will be THREE monday....mostly i feel achy that i will never have that time again...

the desire to smell the newborn-ness, to curl up all day with a tiny baby at my breast...without the possibility of ever having that honor again...the insane exhaustion..... those days of oblivion that never repeat and never end and disappear before you can draw a breath.

i digress (sp?). i haven't done too much for myself lately because of her party, halloween, costume issues, projects, dishes, her impending bronchitis, that boy's insane cuteness that makes me stop in my tracks to stare ....hopeless i am. not much in the way of company or here-ness from the student husband of mine...not happy that we don't have jobs - well, i am working a little, couple hundred a month at most. still, i have to go get the dreaded endoscopy i have been putting off for 9 months- my uncle is fighting strong his stomach cancer - well, a possible misnomer as he no longer has a stomach...and rodney's brother near death's door with liver failure...

but that is tooo depressing for me, and stressful. i want to go home really badly. i miss the boys a lot and emma's friends, and our weedy backyard and fresh air....uuuuugh. i bitched so much about getting away from there and now i want it all back. 

haven't heard from somerset , don't really expect to but people keep asking. i so want to submit to somerset memories, but whatever affliction holds me pretty hostage with exhaustion keeps me from being creative. it seems, and i hope i am reading it wrong, that scrapping has been taking a turn back to the simple times with diecuts and fancy scissors...templates....maybe all the great scrappers got so creative and off the edge stylewise that they all submit to somerset memories, and creating keepsakes and memory makers are seeing fewer submissions....those magazines have become barely thicker than the ads from our local gym!

enough...my reason for getting on today was to vent...i'm struggling and little things are getting to me. but there was a shining moment...a glimmer of happiness....a message...that took me by complete surprise and stole my breath...someone unexpected was thinking of me and that just made everything else go away...if even for a brief moment. now i need to get back to reality...and that million dollar project, and my dishes.

i miss

I miss

the boys and my missy kim

emma's friends

AMAZING toledo museum of art (kicks high's butt)

AMAZING toledo zoo (and detroit, columbus, cleveland zoos)

AMAZING park system

turkey hill philadelphia style vanilla bean ice cream

tony packos chunky garlic dills

barry bagel's salt bagel w/roast beef

day-trips to ann arbor

non-smoking city!!!!

rosary cathedral - especially high mass

our backyard and screen porch, sandy soil

my big tub/shower and bath window that opens

level driveway – omg a level driveway

my basement, my utility sink, my well to water, having water!

my huge front window and great entryway

SNOW

wood floors

dr.ruth, dr.smale, dr.mahmood, kids' peds !!!!!

having the lakes nearby – olander, erie, Michigan

not being able to see the flecks perform again…

bowling green DQ's huge purple dip cones and greasy burgers

Rodney smelling like ford (?)…. uh, job security….a job!

some knowledge of the hospital system in case I need it

ben franklin in bg

recycling dumpsters within 1 mile…a box when I need one

knowing where i am

GOAL :: SUBMIT :: DONE!!!

YES. I DID IT. IT HAS TAKEN ME YEARS OF SELF-DAMNATION BUT IT IS DONE. I HAVE SUBMITTED ARTWORK TO BE CONSIDERED FOR PUBLICATION.
and not just any magazine, either. i figured, if i were to be turned down by anyone, i would like it to be the very top.... SOMERSET STUDIO. wow, just saying it gives me willies. who do i think i am asking somerset if they would like my work enough to put it in their golden vault....

*******************************************

SOMERSET STUDIO SUBMISSIONS : BLACK AND WHITE CHALLENGE

list of submissions: (all are black-pen drawings in different forms)

1 exemplar

3 inchie collection series

1 paper charm hanging

2 pen drawings

7 ATC cards

list of supplies used – same for all submissions:

zig writer .5/1.2mm, pure black

marvy pigmented artist, fine/broad, no.1 black

zig millennium, .05, black

pigma micron 01, black

pigma micron 08, black

us artquest perfect paper adhesive

pebbles inc. I kan dee chalk, pastels

bazzill cardstock

"paper charms: bird loft" : string pulled across chalk to color, all 3-d mounting is done with tiny squares of cardstock glued together to give height, string is glued between layers

50 things that make me happy

dispense as written / in random order / nonprioritized

1. rain –sound, smell and feel
2. fire –sound, sight and smell
3. magazines –mainly scrap and art- smell and paper type are important
4. cool weather – 50-60 degrees and breezy
5. snow
6. big mountains and woods, i love trees
7. my kids' running and laughing
8. christmas cards with glitter – glitter is uber cool
9. hersheys milk chocolate – mostly with jif creamy
10. good music by talented musicians
11. 30's and 40's music
12. 50's, 60's and 70's styles, kitsch, furniture
13. fonts - free fonts
14. high mass at rosary cathedral + large choirs
15. forensic and crime shows
16. being up post-dusk to pre-dawn
17. writing – journaling, papermate pens, thin paper
18. thrift stores
19. estate sales
20. rummage sales
21. birds and crickets and frogs singing
22. art, art, more art, creating, enjoying and living it
23. skipping around online, finding art and weird sites
24. tiny wood, glass and metal containers, boxes, vials
25. old medical, art, science and lit books with lots of old pics
26. photographs – taking, viewing and messing with digitally
27. down-time and naps, coool showers
28. a really good meal, mostly comfort food
29. beeeeeeeads...........odder+older=better
30. tiny fantasy worlds : fairies & dragons
31. "reality" shows: top chef, project runway, ID channel, house
32. movies – drama, disney + pixar, funny, suspense, indies, fantasy
33. popcorn, corn on the cob, corn nuts!
34. paranormal, ghosts, unexplained mysteries
35. old rosaries, medals, angels and holy cards
36. christmas lights – mini, multi, blinking, big bulbs, any kind, any time
37. sticks and stones, twigs and rocks
38. waterfalls, the sound of water in brooks and streams
39. my blanket and pillow, and cool, crisp fresh sheets
40. scrapbooking, reading about scrapbooking, buying scrap stuff
41. little, old, toys or toy pieces, broken or not
42. vintage ephemera, postcards, weird ads
43. collaging – cutting and pasting (since forever) –titanium or fiskars microtip scissors
44. turkey hill philadelphia style vanilla bean ice cream, or breyers vanilla bean since i can't get turkey hill
45. dill pickles (mt olive), black and green olives, green olives stuffed with garlic, dilled brussel sprouts, mild dilled cauliflower, tony packos chunky garlic pickles
46. moon, clouds, stars (and vintage glittery stars)
47. getting packages and hand-written mail ( hand-signed cards are a treat anymore!)
48. childrens' art, art done as therapy by anyone
49. psychology, especially abnormal and criminal
50. daydreaming

i am constantly making lists of stuff to buy, to do, to make, to send, i guess to feel like i am in control of something, even if the crap never gets done. i also make lists of stuff the kids do and say, and their achievements, but then i lose them in my piles, my chaos. here they might be safe. for awhile, til this site becomes a mess too. then there are the lists about me. i do these lists only to have a record for my children of my semi-sane side. i want them to know normal things about me, that they might not just remember difficult days and---

other stuff i'm doing....

stuff i have been addicted to this month: downloading and organizing new free fonts (no reason), sucking-in pictures of vintage seahorses and mermaids (off ebay) - for inspiration - ....and searching for stuff i've not searched before for mix-media art: gumball charms-vintage mostly, old flash cards or game cards with cool pictures, german scrap - silver, mardi-gras beads, and vintage japanese plastic cabochons.......oooooh, want to expand my room full of little boxes full of joy....