the guilt contingency

 

contingency. another life-sucker. every single thing i do every day is dependent on something else. in order for me to do something, it either HAS to be done or attached to something threatening or looming. that's a joy. i need to organize this before can use those new pastels. i need to clean out the office before i can let myself enjoy a new set of markers. recently it has gotten to be too much effort, and i am not sleeping well at all, so there are areas of my house that resemble an episode of hoarders. i lash guilt upon myself every time i walk past the room, but i'm now ok enough with it to keep walking. for today. i'm immortal, remember? i'll do it tomorrow....

the most excruciating thing about my contingencies is what i call the quarantine issue. when i buy something, especially if it's something i have wanted for a while (could be a candle or a new marker, even just a spanking t-shirt or broken thing from goodwill) it has to make it through quarantine. it sits in a bag for an undetermined amount of time before it's allowed out. if it's used it needs sterilization. stickers need to be removed. all this only after it goes through my guilty conscience for another indiscriminant amount of time in the bag. it's price is a huge factor in deciding how long it waits...so does my will to keep it over returning it buy buy something for my kids or husband. not that i'm that considerate or unselfish, i just have to keep punishing myself for things. ?!

death of a hallucination

zoloft was one of the only antidepressants that ever worked for me for more than a few months. i remember when i first started taking it everything was so pretty and extra colorful~ oral rose-colored glasses....i used to sit on the porch and stare at the woods across the lot. the dizziness from beginning new meds made me have visions of shadows that rose above the treeline....i called it "people over the trees". sometimes they were funny, and other times they made me feel like they were watching me. (changing meds is a joy, huh?)

i made this in my journal as a way to smile at that time in my life. even though i was literally scared of the dining room chairs, i was able to take a small thing like the feeling i'm being watched and remember the times i felt it was funny that these shadows were staring at me...

in one sentence, i can say that my art erased a recurring hallucination i had during a dark time. instead of writing about it, i drew a picture of what i was "seeing and feeling". it never bothered me again.

that is a powerful tool. writing about it would have given it more energy, but drawing it brought it to the surface and made me confront it. i have kept the drawing. where many would have wanted to destroy it, i didn't want to burn it or trash it because it was my validation.  a reminder that i can succeed at calming fractions of my chaos.

childhood (70's) inspiration

i found my love for detail when i was very young, and taught by my dad to draw. one of my fondest memories as a child is coloring in a very detailed poster of a fairy....never finished the second one.

i am reeeally inspired by indian culture, specifically the brightly decorated fabrics, henna design, vintage heavily embroidered pieces, and hippy styles. i would like to do some posts about how immensely nature inspires me. :)

somewhere along the way i read advice on Etsy to "specialize". i always wanted to fancy myself a jack-of-all, and probably have done so to keep myself out of trouble, out of the responsibility of being something particular...because then you have to be really good. i still love to do all the other things - woodburning, sewing, painting and collage, but i am currently focusing on pen and ink design. i like the term "surface design" because it's specific.

brain energy

One of the documentaries i recently watched was about how 25% of our energy is used by our brains.  no WONDER i'm exhausted!  My brain works OT 24/7 and i have figured out (by nurturing my "dream consciousness" over many years) that i actually criticize and analyze my dreams as i am having them. So not only am i obssessing over daily stress and fantasies every hour that i sleep, i am also trying to pick apart elements of the dreams that don't make sense to me or that i want to try to alter. control freak? sure. OCD? absolutely. how much of my energy is being used by my brain? sometimes i feel it could be well over 50%.

it's about time that i have become more aware of my brain's requirements. i'm not naiive about how my brain misfires, which most of the time makes it more challenging to operate. knowing what is going on, but having no clue how to change it or how to make the irrational thinking patterns decrease is maddening! 

starting journals, hospital

i started doing art in my journals in college, and painting time was the only time i felt sane and in control.  it took me years to realize i needed this consistently. i did projects here and there, and in between was a wreck. i was in and out of therapy, on and off meds (heavy anti-depressants at this point) and basically just trying to get from day to day. i did hold down a job at a group home for autistic adults, which was the most amazing job i could have imagined. these clients were some of the most interesting people i ever met. as i did art with them, i learned how powerful it was as a communication tool. i began doing more for myself, and started a collage journal - cut and paste mostly. if you knew how many hours and days i spent cutting up magazines...it only helped part of my life.  my job was challenging and my life was getting serious.

at some point i gave up, and everything crashed down on me. i took a bunch of meds and ended up in the psych ward for 3 weeks. as i laughed at those aides who tried to coerce me into the craft room to make potholders, i found strips of embroidered ribbons and tassels. i wanted them. so i started a "pillow" of hoarded scraps which got bigger and bigger over the 3 weeks i was there. then i had my boyfriend (now my husband) bring in my journal and magazines and glue, and i was allowed to have scissors under supervision. apparently they hadn't noticed the sculpture i created out of the wire hanger i found in my room (?!). when i had my things in my hands i was strong - i had a place to hide and a means to have authority over my mind. i remember the curiosity and interest my art and supplies triggered..and wide-eyed glares from the social workers and nurses. made me smile....

art journal, pages 16-21

 

 pages 20 and 17

this layering thing i do has always been a means for me to create order from chaos. it immediately gives me a sense of control, lining up all of the little details...

i am very inspired by embroidered ribbons.

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page 16 

i wasn't sure how to finish this page, i wanted the skull to stand out. my need-to-keep made me scan before i added the detailing, so i could have both versions. :P

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page 18 

not inspired (or maybe just mentally tired) i resorted to my blobs. since that didn't give me any desire to detail, i outlined. this allowed me to fill space without having to decide how...

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page 21

on this day i felt like being more subconscious than pretty, and pulled a quote i like to give it "sense". it's how i felt that day. i really love outsider art..."raw" art...especially artists who have no training and draw with a very sophisticated childrens' style. 

when i used to have "psychotic" episodes, i would draw in symbols. i have seen several artists who are schizophrenic who use this method to communicate things that don't "make sense" to others. i could go freudian and explore the symbols i currently use a lot, but eh, that sounds too heavy. 

no matter your skill level, draw. even stick people or a little house with a tree take on special qualities that make them yours alone. the lack of art training makes pictures "speak" more, because you are concentrating too hard on just making the lines, and hopefully you forget to worry about perfection.

process

a page in my journal - 4 steps during the process i made myself stop and scan so i could show the gutts of this page. i like each one on its own, but it's my personal thing. as i become more confident with every page in my journal, i become more confident in the process of each page as well. it's where i get lost in the lines, becoming more absorbed with each detail and color. i have no preconceived ideas as i draw my first line, and i watch each piece unfold like a movie...
here is more of my current art journal: MY ART JOURNAL

blossoms & borscht

springtime is a time of proliferate blooming here in atlanta. my 5 year-old son happily partnered with me to find the most incredible examples of our favorite blooms. hydrangeas might be my favorite flowering bush. my grandmother loved them. my favorite are the blue and purple, of course...i adore how they change shades during their bloom...

cherries are so pretty because of their dark branches, so i took a shot from below.  this one has an "E" in it, and has pushed me to attempt a very floral alphabet...perhaps an exemplar to submit to Somerset Studio :)

wisteria was at the top of my list...the purple and lavender colors and the draping of the strongly-scented flowers is so romantic and graceful, especially since this is considered an invasive species down here, and i could only find ones in overgrown empty lots!

easter is borscht time in my family. (beet and cabbage soup). i make mine extra chunkier every year - i LOVE beets. as i peeled them and cut up my red cabbage, i had to stop and photograph the beauty of the patterns and colors of these delicious veggies.