brain energy

One of the documentaries i recently watched was about how 25% of our energy is used by our brains.  no WONDER i'm exhausted!  My brain works OT 24/7 and i have figured out (by nurturing my "dream consciousness" over many years) that i actually criticize and analyze my dreams as i am having them. So not only am i obssessing over daily stress and fantasies every hour that i sleep, i am also trying to pick apart elements of the dreams that don't make sense to me or that i want to try to alter. control freak? sure. OCD? absolutely. how much of my energy is being used by my brain? sometimes i feel it could be well over 50%.

it's about time that i have become more aware of my brain's requirements. i'm not naiive about how my brain misfires, which most of the time makes it more challenging to operate. knowing what is going on, but having no clue how to change it or how to make the irrational thinking patterns decrease is maddening! 

starting journals, hospital

i started doing art in my journals in college, and painting time was the only time i felt sane and in control.  it took me years to realize i needed this consistently. i did projects here and there, and in between was a wreck. i was in and out of therapy, on and off meds (heavy anti-depressants at this point) and basically just trying to get from day to day. i did hold down a job at a group home for autistic adults, which was the most amazing job i could have imagined. these clients were some of the most interesting people i ever met. as i did art with them, i learned how powerful it was as a communication tool. i began doing more for myself, and started a collage journal - cut and paste mostly. if you knew how many hours and days i spent cutting up magazines...it only helped part of my life.  my job was challenging and my life was getting serious.

at some point i gave up, and everything crashed down on me. i took a bunch of meds and ended up in the psych ward for 3 weeks. as i laughed at those aides who tried to coerce me into the craft room to make potholders, i found strips of embroidered ribbons and tassels. i wanted them. so i started a "pillow" of hoarded scraps which got bigger and bigger over the 3 weeks i was there. then i had my boyfriend (now my husband) bring in my journal and magazines and glue, and i was allowed to have scissors under supervision. apparently they hadn't noticed the sculpture i created out of the wire hanger i found in my room (?!). when i had my things in my hands i was strong - i had a place to hide and a means to have authority over my mind. i remember the curiosity and interest my art and supplies triggered..and wide-eyed glares from the social workers and nurses. made me smile....