my studio space

i am pretty excited about having a studio space....i have been "waiting" for a chance to have a space of my own for creating. about the time my daughter was born i envisioned me scrapping these amazingly artsy and fun, happy scrap pages of her so very gorgeous little face. she will be 10 in october. i have put a lot of money into supplies and dreams, and now i almost have a space where i can do stuff - scrap, sew, paint, burn, make things. 

i keep myself very busy organizing and sorting, my best friend kim can attest to time wasted....but now it's all pretty and all i need is a table - no smaller than 3x5, and a nice bright light. i see the one we had at our house when we were kids - the kind of alien space-ship shaped thing that you can pull down closer to the table for extra light, then pull it again slightly to make it go back up. do you know where i can find one of these things?? ebay had 2 - but no glass. might have to hit ikea....

basically, my struggle here is getting started after so many years of building up my vision. everyone, i guess has this issue, and i accept it as part of the creative process but i also have that part of my brain that sets me up to fail. what if i suck? what if i can't find that piece of me that lets me do what i love? did it get eaten by the meds? i remember that i was mostly in not a great place when i did my better stuff. is that my only reason for making paintings and collages? or have i been given the gift of a really amazing form of self therapy??

i will begin with little sketches and drawings and ATCs (my version of them, anyway). i have been doing some drawing every day lately, and i will get the time and nerve to post it, just for fun and to see it stare back at me. that somehow makes it credible for me. ok, so i should go and work while i have sun. i will try to post a pic of my space today as well.
now if i could just get people off my back about swimming and going out.....

musically impaired :: 24 hour update

yes, i have listened to a lot of music in the last few hours...several songs that i dnloaded for my daughter (9.66 years old), and others that i have heard only a handful of times and always loved, but never bought. i have this thing about getting a cd - and listening to 1, maybe 2 songs, then putting it at the bottom of the pile, you know, to protect the rest of the cd's from any tiny floods or misc damage from below....(?)
i enjoyed listening during the day, when we were doing stuff around the house and the kids were having fun, but as the day wore on, it was more challenging to just relax and take it in. there was that moment, not unlike benny and joon, where i ran to the pc to turn it down....actually there are times when i shove my fingers into my ears to quiet my world - then i get that suffocating claustrophobia and i really could pass out.
good grief, right? i have this hope that by putting this stuff in front of my face, and making myself be honest, it might just go away....kind of like that picture i drew in college...
so, here is what i collected online, if you are interested.

• andrea bocelli - ave maria, la donnamobile, time to say goodbye w sarah brightman
• bing crosby - melekalikimaka (from nat'l lampoon's xmas vacation), and young at heart w guy lombardo ( i really want guy lombardo's 3 little fishies, can't find it as single)
• collective soul - shine
• daniel powter - bad day
• eels - jelly dance (love this one)
• finger eleven - one thing (love this one too - want to hear more)
• goo goo dolls - name and slide (i so want better days and give a little bit)
• janis joplin - me and bobby mcgee
• jet - hold on from spiderman 2
• jeff stewart - from his website....great artist too!!!
• josh groban - you raise me up
• lenny kravitz - i love the rain, if you want it
• massive attack - inertia creeps and of course teardrop (i'm a house freak)
• men at work - down under (nostalgia)
• natasha bedingfield - these words and unwritten, which is a really awesome tune, these are for my daughter, but she has great talent
• pink - don't let me get me (want the pill song)
• ray charles - light out of darkness, messaround - everyone has to have this one - i will be searching for more ray oldies
• roisin murphy - primitive (while looking for rama lama song)
• rusted root - send me on my way and a drum solo, both live
• snow patrol - chasing cars, run, you could be happy -these guys are new to me
• the flecks - bessy, mr submarine man, now you're an angel - which is pure beauty, time is around (these are all on their myspace site, but now that their awesome bassist sent me the 1st cd i have them all!) thanks, V
• lemon heads - being around (funny)
• train - calling all angels, they call me free, when i look to the sky - need ordinary, also from spiderman
• t-rex - i love to boogie (loved billy elliot, so love this song)
• u2 - mission impossible theme (i own almost all of their other stuff)

musically impaired

i've always had a passion for music. it has always been there for me when i can't take life, reality. that's ironically the problem with it. i used to love listening to headphones and losing myself. i am sooo very claustrophobic i can't do it anymore. i'm trying as i write this to listen to some stuff i am downloading and i can only let them rest on my neck, because i am alone in the room. music itself is, to me, akin to the door they talk about in ghost hunter shows... the portal through which my senses and heart take over and bolt. gone. i can go all psych on this, but really, all it is is that songs have a way of lifting me off the floor and taking away my gravity. should be good, right? then i have the fear of being suspended or not in control of groundedness...like why i tried but can't water or snow ski, or skate. anyone with me so far? i feel , well, surrounded when i play loud music (or tv) and really miss that experience......you know that feeling when you're listening to a great song and it kind of wraps itself around you? brings back the youthful memories or ignites dreams of new experiences? 

i have a pretty huge palette of musical taste, cultured by both good and bad influences in my life, and i appreciate all of the lessons. i can go from bach to marilyn manson in a heartbeat, skipping through opera, folk, classic rock, african and hindu and blues on the way. i most love 30's and 40's stuff, bing crosby, alternative, classical and even some, gasp, pop. i never listen to the radio unless i can get a good mellow station or public radio, and haven't bought a cd in - many moons.

peter gabriel is one of my idols. i followed his concerts in college, once almost becoming stranded in a blizzard to get there. i had the privilege to see his UP tour, and own almost every cd he has made, including a german version of shock the monkey. i get as many of the source albums as i can afford, and find those to be some of my favorite songs! even my kids love those. my brother went to see him sing with sinead, and i think i shall never forgive him for leaving TWO UNUSED TICKETS behind without telling me. dude!

sinead was another long-time musical companion, as was enya. that means i have many of their cd's and could go to them over and over. i have since somehow abandoned them because i cannot listen to their music without being jolted back in time to places i care not go on most days. i am desperately trying to build a new songlist of nicer, happier music. more inspiring. i know not where to go. my brother gave me a nice collection of a bunch of his stuff. being an audio engineer and past band member, and collector of all cool instruments, he had quite a nice selection....but i lost it all when my pc crashed. TODAY I DOWNLOADED MY VERY FIRST MUSIC ONLINE. ok, after you pick your butts up off the floor, i have to say i got what i knew i would, hooked. for hours i grabbed what i could and left this place we call earth. 

there are times and days when i am extremely input overloaded, and i can't even listen to the thoughts in my head much less the sounds of my house, kids, husband and outside world at the same time. music is kind of like that for me... a sensory overload that calms, charges, inspires and exhausts me. when i have the need for background music, i put on singers and standards channel, adult alternative or sometimes reggae or blues. a lot of soundtracks have led me to new interests....and those vary greatly as well. i only wish i could sit all day and collect the music that makes me feel light.

my husband and i went to an alanis concert back before kids, and though we were the eldest people present, we had a blast. then we went to - drumroll - a bar!!! last november to hear a friend's local band ....now, i'm not sure how best to express the discomfort i feel in a dark, crowded bar, but it's up there on my list of most feared atmospheres. i was soooo excited to go that i actually blocked the over-packed parking lots out of my head as we walked from across the street. when we got inside i managed to not pass out when i became one with the throng of people. i even pulled my husband to the stage with my eyes mostly closed, so i could have the best view and be untouched on at least 2 of my 4 sides (yes, i am square). wow....we don't go out (unless there is a coupon for free kids' meals or someone dies or gets married) but being we were under some of the worst stress in our 20 year relationship, we agreed with this friend that a break was a good idea. the band was incredible, the music was absorbing for me, and standing in front of the speaker was miraculously not the death of me! in fact, i couldn't bring myself to leave and even took pictures with my phone! all i can say is thank you for such a great departure from my life, for a memorable trip back to my more alive self, and a plain old awesome time. it's almost good we moved 850 miles away, as one more of those nights would have done me in!!! your cd's are already worn!

so, if you're still with me, tell me what to do to overcome my fear of loss of control when listening to music?! i can't take much more quiet down here, i feel so alone. does anyone get this??? i truly loooove good music, and i can't just listen to the same stuff forever....when someone asks what new songs i like, i can't keep starting my answer with "laurie berkner". my now-sister-in-law made us a cd mix of all moving/home/south songs, and it was one of the best gifts i ever received. there are great tunes, none of which i have ever heard, and all truly good music, and it has become one of my favorite cd's. i even love reading the playlists of other artists, thinking the mental kinship might find me something new to love.

maybe reading a list of some of my favorite artists (see my other post) and hearing my story will strike someone like you who understands or feels sad for me "{ to make me a cd mix of grounded exhileration? i can't afford to download a whole shitload of music right now, and it's probably just as well, as i am an addict when it comes to some things...tell me how crazy this is?!

HEAT VENT

ok, we moved here, it was our choice, and we did it for family, but i don't think, in all honesty and reality, that i can live here for the rest of my life. this heat has already got me severely claustrophobic and exhausted! i am sooo crabby and edgy, i cannot for the life of me figure out why i didn't insist that i truly cannot handle the heat.
so the kids and i sit in the house, go nowhere unless necessary, and we are already getting on each other about stupid stuff. E insists she doesn't mind, R is so far not convinced he understood himself and his own heat tolerances, and me, ha, i am feeling hellish. L - well, he gets beet red outside when he runs, and keeps turning from the sun like it's burning his little retinas.
it's amazing how if you cannot tolerate cold, people sympathize and will talk endlessly about how it is horrible and painful and they can't wait til it's over - then you talk about the heat. people roll their eyes and act as if you are some kind of alienish non-human wimp.
"you'll get used to it" (no! i won't!)
"it doesn't feel so hot after a while" (because your BRAIN IS FRIED - ALL PERCEPTION IS LOST)
"wear lighter clothes!" (ok - don't get me started on fat clothes for summer)
and - my alltime fave-
"SOME SUN IS GOOD FOR YOU" (yes, the time it takes me to take out the garbage...)
-oh, and i do know that it's possible to acclimate slowly, a little each day...i don't care.
how can anyone think it's good to spend time out in the sun!!?? people lay around down here in nothing but strings, shiny from oil to make it darker, and they think it makes them healthy to turn orangy-brown. oh yes - horribly sexy!
when i go out in temps above 85, humid or not, i feel like i am instantly suffocating. my eyes burn. my skin burns. my meds make me temperately-compromised and after about 15 minutes i feel weak, sick and seriously a little delirious! am i alone?????? NO!! do not admit you hate the heat!!!! you will be laughed at, scorned and then excluded from the elite group of masochists who "tan easily".
go away. i am planning my escape to the northwest mountains.
am i ignorant about global warming, am i just too paranoid? the sun is SO much hotter than when we were kids....all the stuff about UV ratings, extra high sun lotion coverage numbers, UVB and UVA protection, wear a hat, drink lots of fluids - it's all a bunch of crap, right??? oh, i know, i hear you - "it's all about moderation..."
ok. i'll stay inside, where the temp is moderate
you know what the only good part about hot days is??? that when you come in, or finally just get enough time to take a cool shower, and you feel that water hit you, the heat slides from your head to your feet, and you feel, for that moment, so very alive! 

favorite movie/tv quotes

in no particular order, possibly not entirely letter for letter:

•  "oh, do stop talking" (lila on dexter, in a deep english/brit accent)
• "that's strangely involuntary" -ratatouille

• "that is our most modestly priced receptacle" -big lebowski

• "Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one around here who gives a shit about the rules?" -big lebowski

• "LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT!" -seinfeld

• "look away, i'm hideous" -seinfeld

• "We've got ourselves a nodder!" -cars, disney

• "You think they'll have THAT on the tour?" -jurassic park

• "I need unguent." -fargo

• "the sea monkey has my money" -nemo
  

AMAZING DAY!!!!!!!!!! MY BROTHER IS HITCHED!!!!

OH MY GOSH this was quite a day... mike and ashley got together around the time my boy was born, known each other for years before that....i have never seen mike so happy, and she is amazing- almost surreally so....
the wedding was at a beautiful gardens/inn place south of town and it felt almost detached from daily life. it was like a spread from a victoria magazine with everyone in pretty dresses, especially the little girls, and many wearing floppy garden hats....we had an umbrella to keep the heat off the kids.
it was a pretty short ceremony led by their long-time friend/co-worker, music provided by a victrola. dinner followed on the wrap-around porch of the inn with fans overhead....southern fried chicken, collard greens, corn cobs and mac-n-cheese! lemonade and sweet tea to drink - and let me tell you, i have never had or been interested in collard greens - but these were so incredibly good i must get the recipe....
the cake was red velvet - never had that either and i am telling you it was dreamy! cream frosting, side of mousse with fresh berries....and to top it off ---a's dad picked enough strawberries wednesday to make jars of fresh "kohlerberry" jam for everyone....
the whole thing was so sweet - the girls playing in their organza by the pool that looked like a garden koi pond - trees and flowers blooming everywhere - a's dad in suspenders, and the old inn with gorgeous wooden floors and antiques...
honestly, it was the most beautiful wedding ever. and very small - which made it even more personal and very intimate. awesome, ash!!!! (oh, yeah, the bride "fell" into said pool while cooling with her best friend) go see the pictures in my web album!