pages 7,8,9

few more postcards

these are a few postcards i finished.

above are inspired by pinecones and spores....

yep, lotsa the same colors....

same patterns...

gets boring after a while.

so i am looking at some

embroidery sites and books

to find new lines and 

designs to use....

the end of journal #1

page 52
i might have to count this page as my very favorite. unlike most of the freeform layers i do, i had no issues with what to do each layer. it just flowed. i will be leaving this one B&W.

 
                                     pages 56, 57
my second heart page in this journal. this one, though, was not drawn during a heartbreak, but just purely out of adoration for the mighty muscle that makes us go. the mushroom is my second large fungus. the larger ones are fun to fill in.

page54
my tree is decidedly the most scary page of this journal. i don't do well with eye contact, but eyes are the first thing i'm attracted to in a person. i read them like a book. maybe that's why i don't like them much~ too much information ;)
this will stay B&W as well, as it feels stronger this way.

 pages 58, 60
i decided i wanted to try something figural, thus the birdie. i had done a few on inchies, but never this big. will do more....

page 62

 page 59

           

                                                                                            page 61 and the inside cover

my jellyfish is another favorite of mine, and friends seem to like it too. i especially think this portrays my absolute color scheme, although the blue could be a slight more periwinkle for my taste. ♥

lettering and layers

 page 49

even mandalas are layered! :)

pages 47,46

the writing on the left is actually journaling, intentionally difficult to read, for my eyes only. still, using journaling in your artwork is a way to both detail a background and include the most personal part of yourself. the best part is you can be sloppy if, like me, you are extremely OCD about your handwriting....

pages 50, 48

these two pages are side-by-side so you can see my layering obsession. layering in organic lines as opposed to straight lines takes away the pressure of perfection. i do it more because i love the lines nature uses in almost all of it's creations. i would love to go on and on about things like fractals and chaos and other mathematical sequences that are universal, but as much as i love science, i know nothing about any of it, except that i have seen examples and admire the beauty of it all.

calm.............

once in a while, i make a page that lands in my favorites file. that means i can't find enough mistakes in it to take away the calm it gives me. these are two of those. ♥

page 43, 44

anti-social

i just want to be alone. by myself. the only people who ask me to come around are my immediate family (well, besides my kids and husband). i can't stand the thought of all the layers of formalities when getting together with others. the surface excited-to-see-you top layer, accompanied by kisses and hugs...the next few layers of how long it's been (months, days, hours, minutes) since we last saw each other.....the awkward pauses in between how excrutiatingly busy everyone's life is but mine....

what does it do? i mean,  what does this meeting of individuals do for you? for me, it gives me stress. from the minute i realize there is a holiday or birthday on the way, to at least 24 hours afterwards, i am stressed. what do i talk about? how do i present myself as a happy, well-adjusted mom and wife? how do i stay interested in everything without input overload? every single time i have to put myself out there, give a good impression, make it look like i'm all ok, so all involved are satisfied, and then i can go.

other people have different approaches. some get extremely agitated and look like a wound top when they appear, others fake a huge smile and laugh and act all in control of a hugely chaotic life, others are obviously barely making it through the ordeal. i have grown to detest the fake layers. but i also don't want to talk about my problems or anyone else's. there is no "happy" medium. i don't feel any better after spending time with people. i feel worse. i don't feel a loving support system, i feel nothing but stress. i don't like taking up other peoples' time and space and caring energy, i just want to run.

but i have to consider my kids. yes, i know. i am an example for them. i am supposed to be sharing this family time and showing them how to have relationships and how to be sociable people. i can't. i don't know how. nor do i care to learn myself. my kids seem to have a grasp of others and how to interact. they both have a good intuition and sense about others. i want them to continue learning for themselves, my input is only confusing and depressing.

so you ask me, why would i ever even consider leaving my family, my kids, going away and letting them fend for themselves. stupid question. if you are in a toxic relationship, your goal should be to get out. i am responsible for putting the best examples forward for my kids to be guided by, and i'm not a good example. repair or remove the source of toxicity. seems so simple and effective, yet feelings come in and complicate everyfuckingthing. every day i wonder how i got this far....